User Scribes

TartanTart Moderator

A hardy ten Island Remainers met at a location tucked away off the coast road.


Two Americans, Skip and Gabrielle, joined us for the first time. Unfortunately, although they are full time residents, they only joined us because this was to be a Hash Bash due to the lack of numbers. Skip told me that all the stuff we do in the circle wasn't for them. Americans are a delicate, sensitive lot as we know by their leader.


MucArse and Karsanogenic, our Hares led us on the unmarked trail. Karsanogenic led the way mainly from the back with Hash Cash, who was at the back, at the front and often in the middle of nowhere.


Through pretty forest and field  and into a kampong. We spent a long time in the kampong as MucArse kept instructing us to do 180 degree turns and go back the way we had come. Whether she was extending the run as she claimed or totally lost we will never know. Of course we know! We spent so long in the kampong we ended up on first name terms with the kids.


Eventally we left Kampong Hampton Court and walked down the coast road to the meeting point.


A few bright sparks bought Tigers with them. The not so bright sparks had to wait till we got to Cactus. Girls down end of the table talking bollocks, boys at the other end talking shite. We chose our own food and everything, as always at Cactus, was delicious.


Well done Hares, another fun Hash.


ON ON YER BASTARDS!


Small Ball Cock






TartanTart Moderator

Hou Hou Everybody,


Friday 25th of May, 5pm, no rain… we were meeting near the Bella Vista Hotel some of us for the Traditional Hash Run.


As usual, our International GM called us to former a circle… small, only 11 Hashers.


No new shoes.


The Hares gave the direction et “Allez”, go !!!


Thank goodness I did not do anything because it was a very long run, over 6kms, but at least flat, very pretty and nobody died. However, some returned looked a little red and dead ! They went thru Padang Matsirat where many locals there looking forward for their dinner like the Hashers but they would not be having down-downs …


After few minutes “pour récupérer “, The Grand Maître called, again, to former the circle.


Our favorite Executioner Larshole was ready to refresh particularly some of us, beginning by himself, of course.


No Virgins, no Visitors, only Returners : Tweet and Pete, coming for the second time. So, as our official Hash Flash, Bugger Mee, was not there, Tweet did it and very well.


The SNITCH of the day, Larshole, who took his mission very seriously, punished a lot of people for silly reasons, including Mettehari, his wife… who, to take a revenge, dropped a big pot of ice and water in the short of Larshole, to make his Willy even smaller… hahaha very hilarious !


At the end, nearly everybody has been washed , some like Tartan Tart most than the others, and the GM did not stay dry also.


No Hash Hero, no Hash Turd. So we could started for the Bada Bing Restaurant at Laguna where we had a very good “Pasta night” . Again a really nice and fun Hash.


Au revoir ,


French Tart


IMPORTANT : Next Hash : MEETING at 5.30pm – Starting Run at : 6.00pm


hashwebhero Contributor

Ampun Tuanku, beribu-ribu ampun. 


(Archaic Malay language when a subject is addressing Royalty - translation: Begging your indulgence Sire and may it pleases Your Majesty)


Would Hash 627 on May 11th, 2018 go down in history as THE hash when we had an audience with the ex-King? The hash directions did say to head towards the palace. Hmmm. Sure or not? How did the Hares for this run - Small Ball Cock (also our GM) and French Tart (his significant other) achieve such a feat? How did they do it ah? It's not quite like them! Fuiyoh! Malaysia Boleh!


It started quite promising - we thought we were being escorted up the hill by some security guards. But as it turns out, they were just there to inform us that we weren't allowed in the area. Small Ball Cock walked over and politely informed the guy that we had the necessary clearance and even thanked him for doing his job. All was sorted. We were allowed to stay but we weren't going to meet the ex-King. Aiyah. 


Anyhow, that wasn't going to dampen our spirits. We were decked out, dressed in our finest Malaysian clothes and wearing her colors with a new sense of pride and patriotism, after a huge and historic win by the Oppostion Party - Pakatan Harapan (Party of Hope) over the ruling government Barisan Nasional. 


Whoa! Whoa! Tunggu sebentar! Hold on!


Reality check! This is our bi-weekly hash: anyone who does not conform to the proper hash attire will be punished. GM is always on the prowl for offenders. Alamak! So, I guess it was back to the boring loose t-shirts and shorts, except for Tartan Tart, who came running in one minute before the cut-off time donning an official hash attired, but it was a never-has-been-seen, old but sexy, body hugging, sleeveless light blue t-shirt. Our very own fashionista. 


GM quickly got down to business. Circle was formed. GM sniffed around for new shoes or for anything that he could pass off as a crime. He succeeded in incriminating Prick Van Dyke and The Ponce of Denmark, although the reasons were unclear to everyone. Nevertheless, they drank it down with honor. The Hares tried to explain the trail to us but we just couldn't seem to follow his directions. Must have been the heat.... or was it the voice? perhaps the endless rambling? Not to worry though, we were seasoned hashers, surely we won't get lost. If the trail was marked properly, easy lah. Tak ada masalah (no problem). ON ON


The trail took us past the golf course, an abandoned shrimp farm, forest, roadside crossing and meadows. We had the 'most best' views of Kuah and the harbor. The FRBs (Front-Running Bastards/Bitches) fared a little better than us as we walkers made one tiny wrong turn. But Superhero Hare came to our rescue and we were once again on the right path. ON ON. The trail was scenic and extremely 'challenging', so hard lah...all of the whopping 3.8km, which took the runners 30 minutes to complete and the others joined back some 15 minutes later. Was there a shortage of flour and toilet paper? Dunno lah but neh-mind, more time to drink beer lah. In all fairness and seriousness, it was a very beautiful walk, albeit a tad short.


"Form a Circle", "Stop Nettering", hollered Small Ball Cock. "Faster lah can or not" is what he really meant. Without missing a minute, he asked "Who wants to be this week's Scribe?" After an awkward 10-second silence and lots of heads looking around, Bugger Mee (yours truly) volunteered to try her hand at Scribing... a Virgin Scriber. Then, an executioner was quickly selected. Larshole was back in action! 


Like a Virgin? Oh yes. Please. We had ourselves a Visiting Virgin Couple from Lithuania. Lovely! They were summoned to the middle and were quickly introduced to their first Down-Down. It was over in a blink of an eye. Painless. After losing their hash virginity, they were cast aside to make way for the Returners, Visitors, Violators (Name Droppers), who all had their shining Down-Down moments in the circle. The Executioner had a field day. He was not only back in action, he was back with a vengeance!


The Hash Snitch revealed herself. Bugger Mee showed no remorse while ratting out Arse and MucArse, nicknamed Whiny Grandmothers for complaining about their sweet dear children and grandchildren. However, they quaffed their beers happily without a single word. Then there were the No Names (Mimi and Han), behaving like they were on their honeymoon. That sort of blatant display of affection is deemed as a heinous crime. Speaking in a foreign tongue at the hash? Tsk.Tak boleh lah! Definitely frowned upon. So many committed this offense that GM just asked all foreigners to the middle (this meant everyone except Bugger Mee and Tartan Tart). This Snitch was sparing no one! Saving the best for last, GM himself was called to the Circle. It's always such a pleasure seeing the GM being doused with cold icy water. 


And the Hash Turd award goes to ... *drum roll* ... Larshole. Nominated by King Penguin, who couldn't quite decide if it should have been the Hash Turd or the Hash Hero award, we naturally chose the former. It didn't matter what his offense was because the Medal of Honor was a spanking brand new, well crafted piece of Turd, courtesy of MucArse, who spent days producing the desired shape, drying, curing it, and when it didn't work, she had to bring in other tools to aid in the process, and to obtain the store quality look, she painted and varnished it. Wah! It was a work of art. A true Masterpiece. One can say without a doubt that she earned the Hash Hero award with her blood, sweat and tears. 


Kind Penguin, our Music Meister, who will be away for 2 months, led the group in a very gesticulated rendition of the official hash hymn-Swing Low Sweet Chariot. Just one look and you can't help but join in the fun.


The hash would not be complete without MAKAN. Hotel Bahagia in Kuah, a new place. Woohoo. Okay, so, fine. We didn't get an audience with the ex-King but we got to meet Fat Mum a.k.a. Jenny, who was like royalty anyway. More importantly, we ate like kings and queens. Kudos and terima kasih Hares. 


On On


Terima Kasih


Xie Xie


Thank you


Bugger Mee

hashwebhero Contributor

On 27 April we gathered for our 626 run just behind Kedawang amidst sand winning grounds for a very nice and long run through kampong, rice paddy and holes in the grounds, perhaps Lars-holes? GM tried very hard to find new shoes but the wear and tear was too obvious to ignore, so the hares Matahari and Larsole were summoned into the circle. With one Dutch virgin present they tried to explain it as well as possible… but ‘Coming from Behind’ had to accompany her walking to safely return home being chased by wild dogs, crazy motorbikes and explaining flour-circles.

The three Dutch all wore proudly the color orange as is accustomed in Netherlands in celebration of King’s day. A futile attempt from GM to declare that as illegal Hash wear made clear to all that he came to the circle without doing his homework as well as he usually does. He quickly retreated and tried to refocus attention to 1st labor party being elected in 1904 in … Australia. Our Aussie friend was punished accordingly for A: not remembering and B: for being the first creator of this type of political left wing ‘can do without them’ not working on 1st of May (ahum – labor?) day party.

A group picture was taken in absence of BuggerMee, who gets a big THANKS for making great pictures at last hash, and our French Tart tried with her sweet French accent to get the group to comply to her composition wishes, hahaha. A gauge! un petit a droit … a pitta what?! 

After the excellent run the circle was called, Prick van Dyke volunteered for Scribe, Tartan Tart quickly wanted to be executioner and we found out why she was so eager… Larsole must have been her beloved role-model! Or he teaches her too well? When the virgin was called in the circle, she took one look at Small Ball Cock and started to undress to receive his… yeah what was she thinking? Even our GM had to regain his line of thought and explained the innocent welcome drink ritual for virgins. The next group was returners, almost half the group, and at the appropriate “down, down, down” song the executioner passionately executed all of us despite some having the cup empty on their heads! >>

Our hash is going green and as a first step Adrian the Turd was appointed Repsycho and wants to receive ideas to “produce” less plastic at hashes or any other idea to greenalize our hash. Hashers are encouraged to bring their own reusable water-bottles. Not all mismanagers had reacted at his “green I want to be” email, although Prick van Dyke and Coming from Behind showed new running-belts with reusable water-bottles filled at home with tap-water as clear proof of action. Not that this helped and most of the mismanagement got wet as being non-responsive??

The hash snitch revealed himself, Floppy Rod turned green as well by incriminating himself, hilarious! Where is our hash world turning into…? The snitch put Tartan tart on display for asking when the circle will be formed after the GM already called it in loud and clear. Lastly the GM was already punished by hash Snitch as he claimed to have used his car front-fender as peeing target. Our green hash world goes down-under!?

Sadly no hash hero could be appointed probably because this is no longer green too? The hash turd, definitely not green but brown wasn’t handed our either. To be continued at the next hash (627) with hares Small Ball Cock and French Tart.  Coming from Behind and Prick van Dyke volunteered for the hash (628) thereafter.

The hares explained that we will be dining at CoCo’s restaurant and that turned out to be a very nice meal again with lots of joy and laughter. Another great hash and fun evening came to an end late that night.

In going green perhaps the next rounds of naming can change green too to something like: Green Shitter, Dirty Plastic, Polluter Hooter and lets rename GM into Green Meanie!


Green on on!

Prick van Green-Dyke (none of this represents opinion of my King and any person resemblance is purely unintentional and an interpretation of your mind! – temporary insanity is claimed on forehand).

hashwebhero Contributor



Hares: Coming from Behind & Prick Van Dyke

A good turn out of 28 would be Doggers attended run 621 to celebrate Chinese New Year (the year of the dog) wear something red or doggy was the order of the day.

The circle was formed at 17:30 prompt welcome back Small Ball Cock. It quickly descended into chaos when he said that everything should be spoken in Mandarin. Forgot all about Xin Xie? (New Shoes)

The Hares explained the course, thru Paddy Fields & Rubber Trees or Pladdy Fleals & Lubber Tlees. Directions to run on Left and Lite. And of course not forgetting the Pleasants in the tlees.

Of we set at a Blisk place. Well laid out course for walkers and Lunners alike.  On On.

Once back to the circle.  Small Ball Cock wanted to know how to say scribe in Chinese, but got it all wrong. Oh dear, here came the translator trying to help and correct the pronunciation. All the confusion and chaotic pronunciation had cost me a very soggy wet arse. Well punishments still had to go on! Tartan Tart managed to show off her sexy red bra, still got wet & punished.

No virgins, any returners and visitors? Unable to remember maybe had too much alcohol probably brain dead by then. Dog year all right but didn’t manage to eat one.

Golden Shower celebrated his birthday with a drink of Tiger beer & more to come. Ganbei (cheers).   We had a naming, Michael a Scot. A few names where offered, at the end he was christened McDel Boy's Arse. A good choice.

King Penguin led the singing, and finished with a well known Chinese song, it is rumoured that Prince Charles will be playing it at his Coronation. The lyrics go something like this: Ying Tong Ying Tong Yiddle I Poo Yiddle I poo! Kink Penguin sang it beautifully.

Off we went for a delicious meal at CoCo Bistro to celebrate Chinese New Year. Gong Xi Fa Cai everyone.

Next run will be Friday 2nd March

Malazyarse.

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