User Scribes

TartanTart Moderator
(Worum scho wieder mir?) - no translation in google ,,Swiss German'' 

OK Hash 646 started 1.6KM past the Gunung Raya turn off, near the far side of the CUCU CUCU RESORT.

The GM was Johnnie Walker - the organisers MucArse & Karsanogenic. Great run/walk in beautiful countryside with a cooling drink at half time 

Guest Amanda from Seattle.

Baptisms: Janet (from South Africa originally from GB as her husband mentioned) is now known as Phil Ma Bearded Clit. Phil her husband (pure South African) - Clit Eastwood, and Che Li (from Malaysia) - Chilly Willy.

All those who participated know how funny and beautiful it was. All those who did not participate missed something (Pach gha) incl.

,,s'Nachtasse'' im Scarborough.

Any Cock Will Do (Scheissname!)

TartanTart Moderator

Hash run 645 started from Temoyong on a side street of  costal road Bukit Malut. Organiser were Adrian de Turd and Bigapist. 18 member of the club and one not yet named (BECKY) appeared to start. All except the organisers, Adrian de Turd and Bigapist, started the run (some of them run, others walked at a brisk pace and the rest strolling through the beautiful countryside. 4 of them missed a turnoff on the main road and took the short cut along this main road. Nobody took notice of these offenders and therefore they could not be punished   (among others, the scribe  ). I am already afraid of  a terrible punishment on the occasion of the next run 646 . Thanks to the shortcutting bastards, everybody arrived on time.

Form a circle – but this command  had to be repeated for us older people at least three times until the circle was closed. Maid in China was named as an executioner, which he accepted with a sardonic grin! New shoes – no success (but, Any Cock Will Do“ had sandals instead of sneakers. But it is very difficult to drink beer out of sandals). She was left unpunished  Visitors and virgins we had this time none. But a ‘’baptism“ was due! BECKY got a new name and majority voted for ‘’FUZZY KNICKERS“  

Some returners had to be showered with ice cold water and because Any Cock Will Do emptied her glass half before she was allowed to drink, Tartantart helped the executer and poured a whole bucket of water from behind over her back. Hash heros on this day none, as well as no hash turd.

After these ceremonies King Penguin started the traditional song with the many contortions, and he also mentioned that on the 18th of January 1778 Captain James Cook discovered Hawaii and Robert Falcon Scott reached the South Pole 1911 only to find that Amundsen had preceded them by over a month (after an undeclared race to the south pole).

The evening was concluded in a cozy round with good food in the Cactus Restaurant, which was occupied to the last place. Thank you the organisers for a good hash evening.


TartanTart Moderator

The Kuah Hill Hikers division of the Langkawi Beach Hash offered an exemplary exhibition of their skill for Run 644 . The trail was up, up, up then down around the pond and up, up, up ending on a rather precipitous down. Many tried, Cod Piss failed and only two hashers succumbed to gravity. Luckily, there are no injuries and MucArse could go straight to swallowing beers without any ministrations. Luckily MucArse returned after Black Label as those who hustled through the hills in haste found themselves locked out of the liquid stores. Much moaning and cries of desperation were heard from afar.

Speaking of swallowing beers, a few were taken in punishment meted out by Acting Grand Master Johnny Walker. First, of course, the hares were awarded a free beer after many compliments about their run. All the while Executioner Karsanogenic lurked on the fringes while those who feared being called out for crimes quivered and shivered awaiting cold beer and ice water. There were no virgins, no visitors but returners Maid in China, Bugger Mee and Sodomiser were welcomed back.

 Hash Snitch Bitch then revealed herself in all her Tartan glory. First and most heinous of her charges was against Black Label for running off with the store keys leaving returning hashers unable to slake their thirst. Next appeared Sauerkraut who, after complaining about the failure to hand out hooters, promptly left without one. Finally, MucArse was done for visiting the hairdresser the morning of the Hash (who wouldn’t want to look their best for such an esteemed gathering?).

Johnny Walker then asked for nominations for Hash Hero. After some debate Maid in China and Cod Piss shared joint honours. What for you ask? Made in China for finishing a challenging run and Cod Piss for breathing.

Another beer was awarded for an imitation Coming From Behind and Johnny Walker and Black Label were recognised for laying two hash trails close together.

With the sun drawing close to the edge of the Kuah Hills a final vote was taken for the Hash Turd award. Adrian the Turd was the popular choice for his failure to appear at the run bearing the Turd and also for failing to submit the Hash Flash photos from the Xmas run. In his absence, Adrian the Turd lookalike, Johnny Walker, took the hit.

Afterward, the crowd slid into Kuah to the Malaysia Hotel for a buffet dinner enjoyed by some but not all. MucArse in particular was left with a bad taste in her mouth when her phone was discovered to have been snitched on site. The unhelpful management was noted for future reference.

On On


TartanTart Moderator

Hash Run 643, the Christmas Special, congregated at Kampung Kubang Badak at a pleasant spot near the river. However the unsettling thing was a sign saying “Danger Crocodiles”, “No Camping” and “No Swimming”. The reptiles must have escaped from the nearby crocodile farm, and the ones which escape are always the wily ones. There’s nothing like the threat of being grabbed by the ankle and dragged into the river to keep Hashers on their toes.

The course wound six km or so around rubber plantations, along the main road a bit, through some nice shady patches and through the kampung, with a presence of magnificent mountains on both sides. Quite a bit of excrement on the ground. Bovine or croc? Didn’t wait to find out. Another motivation to stay on track was the collection of coloured stars, yellow for designated walkers and orange for runners.

Back at home base there was a welcoming Christmas Pimms. Only, where were Cod Piss and Mafioso Mongrel? Had they been too slow for a lurking crocodile? That would surely be a Hash historic first. But no, they had stumbled off course, followed the main road and were then rightfully accused of the heinous crime of taking a short cut.

More denouncement took place when Black Label was accused of using the hooter in a non-approved manner, namely between the bum cheeks.

Johnny Walker, probably a prison camp Kommandant in a previous life, kept everyone in line in a most efficient manner. One virgin was sacrificed, and one visitor ritually humiliated. Arse was rewarded for collecting the most stars, though there was an attempt by Small Ball Cock to substitute yellow vaguely star-shaped flowery objects.

It turns out that it was the Winter Solstice, not that you’d notice it much in the tropics, and there was a full(ish) moon. This called for baying at the moon, incorporated into a Christmas Carol. Other carols were chanted using improvised Hash lyrics.

The special Christmas meal was hosted at The Brasserie in The Laguna. An excellent couscous; who could have predicted that? Presents were also randomly exchanged. I’m sure I did better out of the deal. Isn’t that the aim?

Thanks to Tartan Tart and Sauerkraut for designing a memorable 643.

Hand Job

Unwilling Scribe=

TartanTart Moderator

Some 20 or so pax and 2 pets turned up at the run site. And they were glowing with enthusiasm, the pets, that is. The GM, Small Ball Cock, was missing and replaced by Karsanogenic, who btw., made for a good stand in GM, despite downplaying it.

The Hares uttered their notes to the run, but I am sure, only the dogs understood it completely - and off we went. Along the mangrove, across the main road, up the canal we met one of the hares, acting as a signpost and making sure we understood the signage. 

Huffing n puffing, Prick v Dyck led the runners pack through the Kampong into the greenery on a single tarmac track towards home. Reaching the runsite, after apparently 5.5km, we surely appreciated a cold beer. In addition, the hares had prepared a magic potion to supress any criticism towards shortcomings of the run. And it worked - it was a great run indeed!

Finding volunteers for the bloody scribe (who the f@#$ reads this anyways) and the executioner (Sauerkraut) was a pain in the neck, both came forward very sluggishly. With the circle structure in place, the GM finally disclosed Prick v. Dyck as the Secret Snitch Bitch. 

Only one, but one substantial charge, was mumbled towards Black Label, Sauerkraut, Sore Bum and Muc Arse. It was for "widely" (or was it wildly?) spreading their legs. What on earth is wrong with that? Obviously dazzled by this very observation P v. D could not think of any other charge. The brains blood supply had flown somewhere else..........

No visitors, no virgins were registered but 6 returners were honoured to find their way back to the Hash. Probably nothing better to do, hey!?

Hand Job, who eagerly came forward to be Beermeister, but claimed he has no clue what to do and what it involves. What a true Hasher! 

He even acted as executioners’ substitute once. And as Hand Job was doing it, the time was obviously too short for him to come, and splash the liquid onto the charged. He held it back - what a gentleman!

Mafioso Mongrel and Cod Piss became Hash Heroes as they managed the full walk in a stride. Although, it needs mention, that Cod Piss, who came in first, had the great advantage of being walked pulled and dragged by the dog – The Dog’s Bollocks - who was one of the few understanding the instructions.

Hash shit was accepted by MucArse on behalf of Hash Cash, who is apparently completely oblivious what "Cash -> back" means. Finally she received the Shit for something which escaped me, but it must have been of tremendous importance - for sure!

The Hash Hymn concluded the circle and The Dog’s Bollocks eagerly animated the pack to join in before leaving for makanan.

Scarborough was the entrusted watering hole and as usual the fish n chips were more than plentiful. Probably that is, due to the spreading disease: vegetarianism! A lot of poor fish sacrificed their lives for nothing, and were left behind. RIP! 

Another great Hash came to an end, thank you Hares - well done!

On On

Johnny Walker

Legal disclaimer: If you find anything that is incorrect, you can keep it!

TartanTart Moderator

Around 20 hashers,  3 visitors  and 2 hashdogs  met close to the India Temple north of Kuah.

Finally after waiting for the last comers and unfortunately no Larshole and Mettehari,  we started the hash 20 min late.

The circle was formed and the first hasher who was punished was Sodomiser, due to the ugly – many years used - white nylon stockings, which  covers his knees – I think he has got them free from a hooker    ,he said, he was wearing them - to cover his legs for mosquitoes and leeches. We will later be aware of this………… A beer was placed in his stockings and he had to drink out of the can.

Beside the road on a lush greeny place, we met. 

Black Label and Johnny Walker had made a nice  jungle run of app 6 km. – and it was really in the jungle - all the way. 3 hashers were wearing flippers and good luck to them 

The trails were very well marked with toilet paper.

On & on we fought our way through the jungle – very difficult to run due to narrow paths, we were just waiting to see Tarzan & Jane – flying in the lianas - around the next corner!!!

Animals, as the big red ants, obviously heard about our arrival, they crawled up and in our shoes. Leeches found their ways too - into our socks, and when we finally made our way out and met again in the circle, our legs were bleeding from all the drunken animals, which were drunk due to all the blood they had sucked from us!! 

Our new hasher Rod was named and got the name Hand Job.

One returner, Jack Off, was back, and King Penguin got the turd again due to his lack of ''on on'' and of course blamed his hashdog  which helped him running through the wilderness.

We had dinner at a Chinese restaurant Yee Har in Kuah. 

On & on

Hanneballs Letcher

TartanTart Moderator

Run 640 – Fish n Tits Scribe (sort of)

Welcomed by hares – Prick van Dyke & Coming From Behind with GM Small Ball Cock.

There were no new shoes so nobody had a soggy run or walk.

The route was delightful, very pretty but a sting in the tail! There were a lot more walkers than runners.

It got quite dark early, so a lot of the circle ‘performances’ were cut short; however, there was 1 virgin, and Seaman Stains – a grotty yachtie - was punished for not having a hash shirt. There were 3 visitors from all over the globe, and an attempt to punish SBC for not fulfilling an order for a hash towel, but he wriggled out of that - again! – we will get him one of these days!!

The snitches turned out to be Bugger Mee & Sodomiser who appeared to have HUGE imaginations. Consequently a few innocents were punished. Double Turds were awarded to Sodomiser & King Penguin for not relating info to Tartan Tart & Johnnie Walker about the run direction.

There was no hash hero, but it should have been Karsanogenic for coming straight to the hash from the ferry after driving all the way up from KL.

The hash hymn was delightfully performed by The Dog’s Bollocks, assisted by King Penguin. By then it was pretty dark.

We had a lovely meal at Coco’s in spite of a fair old storm. Strangely enough the last time PVD & CFB were hares and booked Coco’s we had a storm too. Funny!!!!

Next hash hares are Johnnie Walker and Black Label.

On on 

Fisn n Tits

TartanTart Moderator

Bugger Mee and Sodomiser stepped in to provide a great hash venue and hash trail at short notice. A really nice run on the flat around the paddy fields north west of Ulu Melaka, 6km and 7.9 km for the runners. Walkers were a bit tired but happy to have hashed another day. Hash Flash recorded the 639th run for digital posterity.

King Penguin and Arse arrived twenty minutes late, directly from the airport – (what commitment!)- but still hashed home ahead of most of the field!

Two visitors / returners / new to hashers joined in: “Originally Irish Anthony”, and multilingual “Aussie Rod”, both partaking in the Hash tradition of ritual drinking / humilation with adequate enthusiasm.

As usual, the GM avoided punishment despite multiple well founded allegations (How does he do it?). And, Accusers beware, you rarely shall succeed and the tables will be turned --- a frustrated Tartan Tart faltered and addressed the GM as “You Old Codger” instead of the advisable GM / My Lord, and of course ended up in the naughty chair.

MucArse mucked things up by repeatedly failing to use no hash names in the circle and was repeatedly doused by Larshole, and finally was awarded the Hash Turd for her perseverance.

“Originally Irish Anthony” ended up in the naughty chair, nobly acquiescing to the higher authority (is there a choice), despite protesting that he had already changed his clothes after the run. All take note – It’s not all over till the “Thin Feller” sings.

Hash Snitch, Karsanogenic, declared that King Penguin had been caught cheating, secreting frogs into his shoes, to add extra leap. King Penguin declared the inserts to be toads (ridiculous – who in their right mind would put toads in ones’ shoes). The protestation was totally ignored and sentence was executed in the normal unjudicial fashion.

Larshole the Executioner once more accepted his appointment, and yet again tested the matrimonial limits by saving the biggest soaking for Mrs Larshole (Mettehari). 

Sodomiser and Bugger Mee richly deserved their award as Hash Heroes.

On – On to Run 640.

Scribe: Karsanogenic

TartanTart Moderator

When men grow old and their @@@@@ grow cold and the tips of their @@@@ turn blue

They dream of a life away from strife and they tell you a tale or two.

Now give me a drink and give me a chair (chilly?) and to you a tale I'll start

Of Small Ball Cock and fey MucArse and a harlot named Tartan Tart

Now Small Ball Cock and fey MucArse were working near Wang creek

And they'd had nothink by way of a drink for well nigh on a week

A tiger or two, a sapphire blue, a couple of Skol or so

So Small Ball Cock with his mighty rocks had found the drinking slow

They formed a circle in the sand and planned their drinks campaign 

But first they had to make a run down many a muddy lane

Then on return, (will they never learn?) they sunk a crate or two

Abused themselves and several elves, well you know what Hashers do

The turd it went to Karsano- G, the hero to fey MucArse,

And Tartan Tart was wet three times - it was turning to a farce.

Tent Packer too was toasted by brew and to KP an unfair redress

Then Choir practice and off to Cactus - this hash declared a success!

On On 


TartanTart Oct 18 '18 · Tags: 638, hash, scribe, kpmucarse
TartanTart Moderator

It's me again, your Scribe, Small Ball Cock. 'Why him again?' I hear you titter. Good question. Why me? Simple answer, it's because Tartan Tart said it was my punishment for not appointing a Scribe. I thought I was on my winter break! Bad enough having to remind Hash Flash to take a group photo.

Enough whinging, there will be plenty of that next Friday.

Arse and King Penguin instructed us to meet at the end of the Tanjung Rhu road. A road many of us hadn't been down for a long time. There met over a dozen Hashers and two Hash mutts. McArse and Larsole (not the Hash mutts), had returned from their European travels but their sickly partners were sick. Probably sick of spending so much time with them.

We set off down tracks close to the beach, along the beach (yellow grainy stuff with blue wet, wobbly stuff butting up to it), and then down the Tanjung Rhu road. Along this road, McArse and French Tart got a lift to the pit stop that had been organised by our Hares. Their excuse – mosquitoes and fatigue. See if they get away with that next real Hash! The pit was the Sands Bar at the Tanjung Rhu Hotel. It wasn't the pits, it was very nice. We all enjoyed a half price, or Scottish cocktail. Dutch cocktails are the free ones. For my half price margarita I got half a margarita. Never mind what there was of it was ok.

Eventually our smoking, swilling Hash Flash stumbled into action and a group shot was taken. Then ON ON along the beach back to the cars.

We regrouped in a tiny restaurant, or boui boui, as French Tart calls them, for dinner. A charming rustic place that I believe was attached to the Hares' house, a real cottage industry and maybe a sideline? Lots of tasty pasta with a sort of carbonara sauce. Maybe Arse had said NO BACON. There were other dishes which I cannot remember as I didn't get passed the pasta.

A very nice walk/run and a tasty dinner washed down with beer and wine. Well done Hares.

The next Hash will be back to a full Hash with the circle and our Danish Executioner dishing out punishment. Maybe Tartan Tart forget this because revenge is a dish best served cold and even better with cold iced water.


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