User Scribes

TartanTart Moderator

It was a dark and stormy night - well a dull and wettish evening, when the intrepid band of 'Athletes', ironically near the site of a previous Commonwealth Games met.

Hares Tartan Tart and MucArse had chosen a suitably atmospheric site, carved from the bowels of Mother Earth. On cue the 2019 Rainy season monsoon had one of its many 'last laughs'. Hand job and Clit Eastwood were so disheartened that they refused to leave their car, prompting suspicions of unseemly behaviour.

No new shoes were found so after a Hares briefing off we went. Prick Van Dyke and King Penguin were first away and thus first to arrive at a hash circle. Such is KPs reputation only PVD followed  him on the right hand trail, only to find, that for once, he had got it right and correct. Not that finding a trail in the now heavier rain with marks awash proved easy but a way was found, and On On we went. The second circle and washed out marks again challenged our intrepid runners and this time KP and PVD fell foul and reinstated KPs reputation.

Back at the circle the sorry soggy specimens of humankind regathered to conduct the tribal post Mortem. KP volunteered as Scribe in order to rewrite history whilst PVD executed himself though in the rain it was hard to tell the difference. Hares were congratulated on the best Hash swim (HASH SPLASH??) ever. Virgins Robin and Tony were welcomed and Returners David and Dawn were welcomed back.

The GM asked the pre-appointed Snitch Bitch to announce her findings and thus the so nominated Bearded Clit called out Hashers for urinating en-route (surely taking the piss). This was disallowed and after several false starts she singularly failed to nominate anyone! However; several misuses of Real names in the circle led to a shuttle of chilly chair occupants, including the author.

The GM now lost the plot completely, but not unusually, by asking for the age of Pablo Picasso - a man whose deathday was over 46 years ago!!!!

The aforementioned dodgy Hash Dodgers - Hand Job and Clit Eastwood were duly punished for mal - lingering though CE was granted a reprieve in view of his failing health. Perhaps on reflection he should have had a Hash hero award for turning up at all.

Failing light and the hash hymn brought proceedings to a close and we repaired to an excellent repast at YLs in Kuah.



TartanTart Moderator

The Hash was convened by the lake at the foot of Bukit Hantu with uphill climbs threatening the eager hashers. The enthusiastic hares for the run were Bugger Mee and Sodomiser, so guaranteed no leeches on this run; and GM, dutifully obliging with his customary collection of accusations, crimes and punishments, and pre-ordained victims, was Small Ball Cock. 

At last, GM could no longer deny his multi-coloured New Shoes, and obligingly downed his cocktail of sweaty foot and Tiger with skill, speed and no spills. Note that there are rules for GM and rules for others – Why does GM get Tiger to make the New Shoe cocktail, whilst mere mortals get Skol?!

Runners, walkers, and amblers were duly despatched onto a route up the mighty Bukit Hantu. The run proceeded without mishap for most, but only King Penguin achieved the summit to enjoy the spectacular views of the paddies, a notable achievement since it was not even on the marked trail. Notwithstanding the extra excursion  KP still came in with the leaders closely behind the first home, Johnny Walker. The walkers, well most of them, had the same route and struggled on up the bukit, down the bukit, and back over the bukit, without too much audible pain or protest. 

Adrian de Turd nobly provided support at the tail end and dropped back to coax Bearded Clit through her dread and hatred of hills. The strain of sustaining the uphill climb, or maybe the chat, caused them to become hopelessly lost on the tracks of the jungle climb. A worried air was felt down at the circle as the light faded, and preliminary search by car back up the road revealed no imminent arrival back at the circle. But there was plenty of Tiger to drink, and “down downs” to down, so the circle was called to allay the anxieties. (Bigapist had however made mobile phone contact with Adrian de Turd and confirmed that they were safe and on their way back.)

GM slotted straight back in, but tripped up straightaway into name dropping which was immediately picked up by Tartan Tart. Sadly no executioner had been appointed at the time, and thus GM stayed dry, enjoying his Skol at leisure. 

A debut Executioner, Skunky Macavity, was appointed. (Worth noting here, that Skunky arrived in a hash shirt for the first time! – He’d received it free while recently visiting a Borneo Hash – That figures). It turned out that Skunky was an entertaining, but inept executioner. Time after time he failed to wet anyone by following the Executioner rules to the letter, and on one occasion had five potential victims but got hopelessly confused and executed himself with both buckets instead. But he got the hang of it in the end.

No, visitors, no virgins, but several returners and deserters, provided the routine business of the circle. 

Three co-conspirators, French Tart, Karsanogenic, and MucArse, were identified and charged with taking an intentional wrong turn which led to a much reduced excursion around the lake, avoiding all the hill challenges, and getting back early for the beers. Admitting guilt, and plea-bargaining gained light sentences without being seated in the dreaded Chilly Chairs.

Tartan Tart as usual was wearing the wrong underwear and paid the due penalty.

Bugger Mee, even though she was hare in chief, managed to place herself in the Chilly Chair for her usual talkative and argumentative back chat.

Finally, two figures shuffled out of the darkness, back from the trails to join the circle. Bearded Clit looking fresh, but Adrian de Turd was caked in mud after sinking into a mire of orange bog. They were welcomed home with much mirth and, nay, a small hint of sympathy. Congratulations to both on returning in good humour.

As usual, several other hashers ended up in the circle to receive drenchings and down downs, or icy arses for any or no good reason at all.

The award of Hash Hero went to Bearded Clit for bringing Adi de Turd back safely. The turd went to Adi de Turd – I think, because he looked like one, covered in shite as he was. They may not know of these prestigious awards, but to resolve the normal chaos of Hash business, this record stands.

In darkness, Music Meister led the circle in the Hash Hymn, complete with actions, though nobody would know as we couldn’t see him.

Bugger Mee and Sodomiser provided 5 star dining at 1 star price as usual at My Chef bringing yet another great Hash to a close.

Scribed by Karsanogenic.

TartanTart Moderator

Maid in China has passed away –

For Langkawi hash it’s a very sad day.

A true-blue hasher, and a real gent,

He certainly had a life well spent.

A natural wit, he would keep us amused

With funny stories and tales confused.

A chemist, an actor, a linguist was he – 

Of foreign tongues he had at least three!

In France and Indo and China he stayed,

And then in Langkawi his roots he laid.

He settled in to life here well

‘Cos Tiger beer tax free they sell !!

His zest for life the envy of many,

The love of his life – a girl named Jenny.

A doting dad and grandpa too,

But still he sported a quirky hairdo!

His determination kept him going

When after a stroke his mind was slowing,

And soon he was back upon the breakwater,

Running along without a totter.

But tragedy was to strike again –

On the way to his maid in China – Jen,

Another stroke it did attack – 

And from this one was no way back.

So here’s to Maid in China,

He’s true blue,

He’s a hasher through and through,

He has sadly passed away,

But from his place in heaven we will hear him say:

Drink it down, down, down, down,

Down, down, down, down,

Down, down, down, down –

On On M.I.C.

TartanTart Oct 12 · Comments: 2 · Tags: maid in china, poem, mic, martin
TartanTart Moderator

The One Where Small Ball Cock Pretended to Set a Run*

We all arrived just around the corner from SBC’s house who sent us off up a rather steep hill promising further instructions. As we puffed up the incline an obnoxious noise came from behind and what to our wondering eyes should appear but SBC in his limo cruising on by us. We arrived at the rendezvous and SBC fulfilled his promise of further info by advising us to watch out for mean monkeys, go down to the mucky shore and faff about for half an hour or so then come back the way we came or come back by finding our own way around the shore. SBC saw us all off and then disappeared. Good Hashers all, we followed instructions and eventually returned to base to find a relaxed SBC hanging out on the pier watching us struggle over slimy rocks.

Off we went to Cactus (the restaurant just around the  corner from SBC ‘s house) for some great grub.

Good one SBC. A great example of how setting a Hash Bash can be no trouble at all.

*Nothing in the foregoing script should be taken to diminish the contribution of Small Ball Cock.

TartanTart Moderator

RUN 661

The One Where Spunky Got His Birthday Wish

It was a wet and blowy night when the assembled Hashers arrived at a little known destination in the back and beyond. Fear struck the depths of their souls when they saw the makeshift stage and dodgy sound system. The whispered threat went from one small circle to another - not karaoke!!

Rain delayed the run. Spunky strutted proudly amongst the gathered Hashers proclaiming his pride at having lived another year. Muttering and anxiety grew until the crowd could not be contained and they burst out into gloom of the drizzling rain to run the run, to walk the walk!

Spunky led the runners astray while Sodomiser advised the walkers of the way. The rain held off the walkers walked, the runners ran and all returned safely eyeing the looming stage. After a few down downs, a virgin induction and one of many birthday songs for Spunky the Hashers messed with a wonderful repast by AJ.

The karaoke fear was put to rest as volunteer after volunteer took to the mike to serenade the gathering. Spunky showed off his new shirt and his country and western fetish in surprising musical moment.

Even more surprising was the appearance of a wo-man of soon to be ill repute who insisted on taking the stage as a tribute for Spunky’s birthday. Mamadonna, enticingly dressed and on his/her worst behaviour, entertained us all with songs and long tales and tales of long body parts.

Oh yes, and it was a Merdeka celebration as well, Happy Birthday Spunky and Happy Independence Day Malaysia.



TartanTart Moderator

Hare – King Penguin assisted by Hash Dog The Dog's Bollocks.

After boasting how lucky we have always been with the dry weather on the Hashes we obviously tempted fate. We arrived at the venue in Tanjung Rhu and gathered in a small group standing in the drizzling rain.  Where was Hand Job with his awning? Typical when we actually need an awning he is not around to provide it. Those of us who stood under our umbrellas were ridiculed for being ‘’poofters”.  Seeing there was to be no shoe inspection Small Ball Cock was brave enough to arrive in his new luminous platform sole trainers.  A group photo was taken by Bugger Mee before we all set off hoping not to come back drenched to the core. 

The Dog's Bollocks led the way and immediately started chasing the cows just to get them irritated enough that we all had to gingerly walk past and hope they wouldn’t chase us in return for TDB’s unruly behaviour. 

As we entered the paddy fields the runners left on their own route and the walkers followed what we could see of the flooded path. Jumping between puddles and avoiding stepping on the masses of frogs that were scampering out of our way, was the procedure for most of the route until we came to the mangroves. Then the heavens opened and the umbrella holders had a smug grin as they looked at the sodden bunch desperately trying to reach home.

The last of the route was along the beach and at least the saturated sand was nice and hard to walk on.  Being a fair way ahead of the walking group I approached a gushing river. Remembering that I thought I heard the Hare stating that it was low tide so the river would be in our favour I entered the rapids cursing that no allowance had been taken in for the pouring rain and the force of the flow. Dreading that I would not make it through to the other side I finally reached dry ground only to hear Hashers calling to me come back. What??? The home site was up the river on the side I had just come from. Now I had to risk my life and cross the raging torrent of water again. Luckily I made it back with Bugger Me helping me to get up the bank.

A drenched lot sodden from head to toe had all made it home. Well all of us except Small Ball Cock who managed to keep his feet dry in his platform trainers. Most Hashers had wisely brought a change of clothing but poor French Tart had to endure dinner in her dripping attire.

 The meal was right next door at The Nest and we all enjoyed a feast of salad, toast with salsa, soup and pasta. 

On On


TartanTart Moderator

Hash scribe rapport run 659. Date 02.08.2019

The Hares were Philip (Clit Eastwood) and Janet (Bearded Clit).

Before the run, The GM (King Penguin) announced that everyone would be punished unless they came up with a good reason they should not - the other Hashers would then vote this on.

The hares explained the hash route and off we went....

Long time after the last walker did arrived and we were going to form a circle we realized that Small Ball Cock and French Tart were missing. A rescue team was setup and just when they were ready to leave, we saw Small Ball Cock and French Tart in the horizon. Small Ball Cock carrying French Tart on his back. Skunky McCavern immediately ran to help SBC, but help was not accepted and SBC did carry FT to the circle. After a close investigation, we did not find any sweat on SBC. 

The circle was formed and a Scribe chosen...

The hares were given a down…down

The GM executed himself so that he could be the first executioner and then in voted Arse to be the first one to persuade her fellow Hashers why she should not be executed...She was voted down and executed herself - saving KP from executing his wife...

All the Hashers in turn provided excuses and were voted on. Black Label, French Tart, Tartan Tart (only women!) were saved!

SBC came up with the very good reason for not to be punish, by carrying FT, but was voted down and given a down…down for his setup.

Neither Tommy the Wank Engine nor Skunky McCavern offered excuses...

GM gave himself a down…down for forgetting to bring the list...but from memory….


Dates in history...

On this day in 219 - Hannibal won the Battle of Cannae

In 1776 on this day the US Declaration of Independence was signed...Skunky was asked to sing the anthem…

In 1937, the US criminalized Marijuana 

In 1939 Einstein persuaded Roosevelt to initiate the Manhattan Project and it has been downhill ever since.

Returners were 'down… down'

Hash turd given to Johnny Walker for being German and responsible for Einstein and the atom bomb and for suggesting that his wife should get it because she was the same colour!

Hash hymn

Supper at Gallo Nero. Delicious Italian pasta meal. Compliments to the chef Lorenzo 

Next Hash - Hare KP


TartanTart Moderator

Hash Scribe Report – Run 658

The Hash was convened, neatly hidden amongst the sandpits of Kedawang. The hares posted themselves on point duty, sensibly, to avoid Hashers getting lost in the dunes or disappearing in the quicksands. Hares for the run were Adrian de Turd, and Bigapist, dutifully obliging before their departure from Langkawi (again) in August. And, GM was a holiday refreshed Small Ball Cock.

A happy and obliging visitor, All Black Balls, arrived sporting a sale tag on his trainers. The trainers didn’t look particularly new – so maybe ABB was just bent on getting a more than a fair share of the beer. Two other hapless hashers fell foul of the GMs footwear inspection – a bit unfair perhaps - but  in good hash spirit they accepted the unjust and sloshed the sweaty Skol down. 

Runners, walkers, and amblers were duly despatched onto a route through shady, pretty lanes  of nice and flat rural west Kedawang. The run proceeded without mishap for most, and a timely return to the circle looked promising. However, the ever-chatting tailenders, lead by our GM and his hooter forgot the Hares’ advice that the return home was partly via the trail out. As ample punishment the amblers completed a double loop adding about 1.5km to the route and 20 minutes.

GM slotted straight back in to the mean and vindictive mode he is so much loved and hated for, producing the Chilly Chairs which had been absent for too long.

First in was the Executioner (Karsanogenic) for name dropping MucArse when nominating her as scribe. Karsanogenic was duly sentenced to Chilly Chair, beer, and scribeship for himself.

Visitors and Returners were numerous and all were welcomed (back) in the normal way. Skunky McCavern (Is that a real hash name? Does he have one?) was punished (again and again) for inappropriate shirt wear.

As usual, most hashers ended up in the circle to receive drenchings and down downs, or icy arses for any or no good reason at all.

The award of Hash Hero and Hash Turd was challenging since no one appeared to have excelled in either direction. Hash hero was awarded to King Penguin for “tooting his hooter up front” , a feat rarely achieved! The turd went to The Dog’s Bollocks – I think, but somehow it ended up on the GM’s head, so the custodianship remains uncertain.

With advancing darkness and the risk of food going cold, the hash was closed without ceremony or singing - Shame!

Coco’s meal was western roast chicken and two veggies – beautifully prepared and presented – and very tasty. Well done Coco , and well done hares for doing the deal. Hares for Run 659 will be Clit Eastwood and Bearded Clit, and the GM will be King Penguin. Bravo!

On On 


TartanTart Moderator

Langkawi Hash House Harriers - Hash no 657

It being the time of year when Hashers are visiting the far-flung realms, this meet was deemed a Hash bash and falling on July 5 the theme was all American.

The meeting point was far away in an area of lush green, rolling hills and meadows. A somewhat hazy sky softened the sun as it started sinking behind the hills. It was hot and the air hung heavy.

Our bunch; MucArse, TweetyTwat, Karsanogenic and Rock Cock were the first to arrive on location. The car of organisers Bugger Mee and Sodomiser was pulled off the road with an American (well sort of) flag sticking out from the window. It hung limply - there was no wind. It looked a bit like a movie set from Breaking Bad. Skunky McCavern arrived soon thereafter on his trusty motorbike.

Tartan Tart arrived with 6 minutes to spare, with Bearded Clit and Clit Eastwood. The tension was mounting: would anyone else arrive? At two minutes to six Adrian de Turd and Bigapist rolled in in a cloud of dust caused by an attempted handbrake turn. By now a call had come from Johnny Walker and Black Label that they would not be making curtain call as the ferry with Penangites Speed Hound, Fruit and Period was late. They finally arrived rolling up off the track in an even bigger cloud of dust – you’d swear these guys had never seen dirt!

Black Label had gone the whole hog and dressed up as a footballer cum rapper. Bugger Mee had a small version of the American flag on her shirt. After finally getting the pic of the cast we set off. Of course no markers, just a vague idea of in which direction to start. At which point Bugger Mee admitted to a poor sense of direction. As we set off a motorcyclist and his woman, the latter dressed in a black burka, meandered past both looking somewhat disparagingly at the American Flag.

Scene 1 - The Departure: Lights, Action and Camera: The cast of runners  comprising  Johnny Walker, the Penang crew, Rock Cock, Tartan Tart and Sodomiser were away. Then those who drink in the scenery followed accompanied by Hash Kash (hash dog), who had a field day herding cows!

Scene 2 - The Hill: Leading group seen tackling hill in the distance by those enjoying the pastoral scenes despite occasional motorbikes coming through. Lead group tracks up hill and traverses in front of electricity pylons (out of sight of others).

Scene 3 - Banana pit stop: Those at the rear are seen tackling hill, fording a stream and finally at the summit, where Black Label finds mini ripe bananas on a fallen tree. Up here in the hills these could have been organic bananas bringing a new meaning to “unzip a banana” - they were pretty good.

At this point dissention arose in the group as there was no clear way forward. Pylons were in the picture, a track down led to a house. Some were already heading back on the same track.

Scene 4 - The Split: Black Label, Bearded Clit, Clit Eastwood and Tweety Twat headed back. MucArse and Karsanogenic were dithering, Skunky McCavern headed out in true Guam style in the general direction of down. Bugger Mee’s claim to a poor sense of direction was well founded as she has no recollection of the route (which she had walked 3 times previously, the last together with Skunky McCavern).

Scene 5 – Reunification: Everyone excepting Skunky McCavern is now on the return trip – back from whence they came. A few cows scattered around along the road, a couple of trucks and extras on motor cycles heading out for a night on the town. 

Scene 5 -Beer o’clock:  The runners have formed a reception committee across the road. Team Africa (Clits, Black Label and Tweety Twat) strode in, Adrian de Turd and wife followed, with Karsanogenic, MucArse and Hash Kash close on their heels. All before dark it must be noted.

Scene 6 Finale; Skunky McCavern and Black Label  provided a “breakdance cabaret” and much beer was quaffed.

It’s a wrap and a happy group heads off to Kuah for Chinese at the lively YL street restaurant.

On On 

Tweety Twat

JohnnyWalker Hasher
Dear Hasher, enjoy a newsletter from our Hash Friends PiH2 who held their run on Langkawi!
Please use this PDF Download (click me) if your browser does not support direct viewing of PDF, like on Android devices, or for full screen viewing.

JohnnyWalker Jul 10 · Tags: pdf, pih2
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