TartanTart's Scribe

Hash No 656  Langkawi Hash House Harriers


A somewhat depleted mob, but nonetheless intimate, assembled, other end of the island this time, at Kisap for a run organised by Johnny Walker and Black Label.

The effervescent GM, Karsanogenic, fabricated World Orgasm day (although he swore blind his research had shown this to be) to start things off with a bang. Note we all know certain activities can make you go blind.

 Added to which he came up with it being the day of the world’s ugliest dog. Hash Kash (Hash dog) slunk off at this point!

Without much more ado the hares were called into the centre and Black Label declared it was indeed International World Yoga day, and what better way to celebrate than to turn a bunch of Hashers into pretzels under the pretence of a warm up.

Warm up complete, Johnny Walker with much gesticulation gave a brief description of the route noting there were three checks.

The route through a rubber plantation, and along the mangroves was well suited to the warm languorous early evening. The midway point afforded a stunning view of the river confluence and a limestone bluff. Those on the return from this point encouragingly described it to keep those still heading out on track. 

The return route offered up many interesting views of fishing boats high and sort of dry on the mud flats of the mangroves. The comings and goings of the fleet obviously very dependant on the tides.

The pack was by now stretched out –several runners probably back and carousing while those of us enjoying the scenery took in a herd of cows munching happily among the rubber trees. Said cows later took an interest in Hash Kash and reportedly followed her up the road.

The GM was quick to call the circle, sadly no virgins and only one “executionable” returnee – Thomas The Wank Engine. Lin bin Defuzzed waved her medical certificate, so was exempted!

Prick Van Dyke brought a devilish grin to the role of executioner embracing the role to such an extent that he had to be restrained from emptying the entire ice water bin over defaulters. Undeterred he grabbed two jugs and delivered a double whammy when called upon.

It being a small group the GM dug deep and drew our attention to the auspicious date June 21 the summer solstice (longest day in N hemisphere) an event celebrated by the druids whose ritual included children forming a circle by scattering petals or blowing bubbles. Blessings by a fire eater and someone sprinkling participants with water from the Chalice Well followed. Apparently all very joyful and informal.

This was given a Hash twist by inviting the Celts; TartanTart, Tweety Twat and MucArse into the centre. Seeing as it coincided with full moon, thoughts of naked dancing crossed their minds. However; the sprinkling of icy water and ice cubes (could have been a blessing in disguise for those in the middle) by the executioner banished this thought.

Then it was the turn of Rock Cock and Tweety Twat (in for a second round) for not wearing hash rags. Rock Cock in a glitzy Langkawi singlet , and Tweety Twat in camo green.

Next up was a gleeful snitch, the Tartan Tart, dobbing in her running companions for taking short cuts. This saw Rock Cock again, Prick Van Dyke and Johnny Walker in the middle. Coming From Behind took up the jugs and doused the dastardly dudes.

The GM took a dousing for having what looked like skid marks on his towel indicating he may have skived off track to do the unmentionable in the rubber plantation – not fine English manners on a Hash.

Rock Cock and Prick Van Dyke noted for the records that on arrival at base the beers were under lock and key in the car. Tartan Tart seconded this as it had been noted in the past. Into the centre went Johnny Walker and Black Label.

It was all over bar the shouting when Tartan Tart stepped up to the mark again and declared Johnny Walker to be renamed Johnny Stalker for hanging around the mangroves near the viewpoint. He of course denied the charge saying he was only ensuring everyone was on the right track.

As the sun went down and the sky turned pink happy Hashers adjourned to the Langkawi Rainbow restaurant for a Chinese dinner, where festivities at the round table continued in line with those of the summer solstice. On, on! 

Thanks to Johnny Walker and Black Label for a hash well run.

Thanks to Google for info on Druids celebrating the summer solstice.


On on


Tweety Twat




Hash no 655 (June 7) – Langkawi Beach HHH

18 stalwarts pitched at the cow pat infested meeting place, near the abandoned but colourful disembodied building next to the notorious pink bridge. Hash Kash was resplendent in a new neon green harness which made her look a bit like a guide/rescue dog (probably for good reason).

Small Ball Cock called the unruly bunch to assemble in a circle. #Tweety Twat was sadly remonstrated for having new shoes, which she fiercely denied (they were indeed her “best” casuals) but her pleas fell upon deaf ears. A shoe was filled with beer, of which one half went down her throat. Had it been at the end of the run, it would all have disappeared !

Then it was the turn of the hares, Bearded Clit and Clit Eastwood, known to all as team Clit.

Now they managed to pull a cunning stunt on the crew by combining their self acclaimed “National Prostate Day” with a worthy cause (picking up trash). For the sake of health and hygiene rubber gloves were distributed - after all you wouldn’t want to perform a digital, or pick up someone else’s trash without a protective barrier. A few good-natured demos of what to do with the gloved finger followed before the black bags were handed out.

Runners went off to the paddy fields, where they passed a large but peaceful herd of water buffaloes. The walkers took to the bridge and went down by the riverside to the jetty, where both they and the runners had to go to the end before embarking on the task of rubbish collection at two of the beaches off the jetty

Skunky McCavern seeing the filled bags of Rock Cock and #Tweety Twat said “Hey, anything left for me ?” which will go down as the understatement of the year. One opportunist on his way back from fishing managed to get his plastic bag of rubbish transferred to a hasher who then carried it out. The pile of black bags deposited at the jetty gate for later collection was laudable.

Back in cow pat heaven, everyone waited for Small Ball Cock not only to return, but to reunite walkers and runners in the circle. When all had assembled they were asked to comment on the hash. The answer in virtual unison was “rubbish”, although the underlying motive behind the walk and its generally scenic route was appreciated.

Karsanogenic leapt forward to take up the role of executioner and the first offenders were called into the centre. They were the latecomers and returners, who zealously downed their beer. Then it was MucArse in the centre for namedropping!

Seeing that she and the executioner were closely acquainted there was a chance this could put a spoke in the wheel for the rest of the evening. Despite dancing a pretty dance around Karsanogenic, there was no sparing her from the executioner’s icy jug.

Then it was the chance of the evening’s snitch bitch, who came up with something from the far side. Small Ball Cock was called to the centre and punished for driving without rear number plate.

Skunky McCavern, a hasher from Guam, was asked to step into the centre, which he willingly did, baring his bronzed torso, to be found guilty of indecent exposure, and bringing a distinct pornographic feel to the circle. He accepted the punishment and was spared further embarrassment thanks to Johnny Walker having a spare Hash rag available.

But not for long - Hashers wanted an explanation for his Hash name. It had come about as a result of him delivering a blast of flatulence when leading a group of hashers through a narrow 100m tunnel in Guam, so if you are behind Skunky – be warned!

Bringing a positive light to bear on the proceedings Small Ball Cock called Prick van Dyke and his missus, Coming From Behind into the circle for successfully achieving 31 years of marriage, which he described as a great achievement when many could hardly maintain concentration for 31 minutes. The happy pair obligingly kissed for Hash Flash to record for posterity.

On that happy note members reconvened at The Roof restaurant for a Chinese dinner. 


Hash scribe

#Tweety Twat


SCRIBE REPORT FOR HASH BASH 654




MEN WANTED

                                       for hazardous journey,    small wages

                                       bitter cold,   long months of complete

                                       darkness, constant danger, safe return

                                       doubtful,    honour and recognition in

                                       case of success.


                                       Ernest Shackleton


I am not sure why I was reminded of this ad supposedly placed by Shackleton in the Times in 1900 to recruit men for his Antarctic expedition. For a start there were no wages and no darkness. A doubtful safe return was always a possibility, but King Penguin was absent so there was less chance for the runners to get lost. And the Hash is not a sexist club, we don't only want men. We do allow women in case the Hash sites need a bit of cleaning.


Enough of this nonsense, here's some more.


Fourteen of us met near Temonyong jetty. After Hash Flash finally got her act together and took the group photo, Small Ball Cock explained the Bash. The four runners were to set off by the new road that is being carved out towards Resorts World. The ten wankers, (sorry, predictive spelling), were to head towards the jetty and then along a path to the sea.


It was a lovely walk and new to many. After waking beside the multi coloured fishing boats in the river, we came to the jetty and then on to the path that led out beside the sea. Very beautiful. Then came the 'hazardous' bit – we had to scramble down at least three meters on to the beach. 'Constant danger', as further along we had to scramble back up. But we did return safely. Even Karsanogenic. The poor love was suffering from jet lag and a Scottish cold.


To our shock the runners had also returned safely.


After some non-gay banter (gay banter is strictly forbidden on the Hash), we headed to Cocos for dinner. Jolly good it was too. Once again, Karsanogenic was almost a Hash hero as he partook of a pint of Guinness. He doesn't like Guinness unless someone buys it for him, so Hand Job found another use for his hands. He dug them deep into his pockets and paid for a pint of Guinness and presented to Karsanogenic. Our thrifty Northerner wasn't going to see it go to waste and drank it through gritted teeth and runny nose.


I believe we all came away with 'honour and recognition' because it was another successful Hash.



ON ON YER BASTARDS!


SBC