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TartanTart Moderator

Langkawi Hash House Harriers - Hash no 657


It being the time of year when Hashers are visiting the far-flung realms, this meet was deemed a Hash bash and falling on July 5 the theme was all American.

The meeting point was far away in an area of lush green, rolling hills and meadows. A somewhat hazy sky softened the sun as it started sinking behind the hills. It was hot and the air hung heavy.

Our bunch; MucArse, TweetyTwat, Karsanogenic and Rock Cock were the first to arrive on location. The car of organisers Bugger Mee and Sodomiser was pulled off the road with an American (well sort of) flag sticking out from the window. It hung limply - there was no wind. It looked a bit like a movie set from Breaking Bad. Skunky McCavern arrived soon thereafter on his trusty motorbike.

Tartan Tart arrived with 6 minutes to spare, with Bearded Clit and Clit Eastwood. The tension was mounting: would anyone else arrive? At two minutes to six Adrian de Turd and Bigapist rolled in in a cloud of dust caused by an attempted handbrake turn. By now a call had come from Johnny Walker and Black Label that they would not be making curtain call as the ferry with Penangites Speed Hound, Fruit and Period was late. They finally arrived rolling up off the track in an even bigger cloud of dust – you’d swear these guys had never seen dirt!

Black Label had gone the whole hog and dressed up as a footballer cum rapper. Bugger Mee had a small version of the American flag on her shirt. After finally getting the pic of the cast we set off. Of course no markers, just a vague idea of in which direction to start. At which point Bugger Mee admitted to a poor sense of direction. As we set off a motorcyclist and his woman, the latter dressed in a black burka, meandered past both looking somewhat disparagingly at the American Flag.

Scene 1 - The Departure: Lights, Action and Camera: The cast of runners  comprising  Johnny Walker, the Penang crew, Rock Cock, Tartan Tart and Sodomiser were away. Then those who drink in the scenery followed accompanied by Hash Kash (hash dog), who had a field day herding cows!

Scene 2 - The Hill: Leading group seen tackling hill in the distance by those enjoying the pastoral scenes despite occasional motorbikes coming through. Lead group tracks up hill and traverses in front of electricity pylons (out of sight of others).

Scene 3 - Banana pit stop: Those at the rear are seen tackling hill, fording a stream and finally at the summit, where Black Label finds mini ripe bananas on a fallen tree. Up here in the hills these could have been organic bananas bringing a new meaning to “unzip a banana” - they were pretty good.

At this point dissention arose in the group as there was no clear way forward. Pylons were in the picture, a track down led to a house. Some were already heading back on the same track.

Scene 4 - The Split: Black Label, Bearded Clit, Clit Eastwood and Tweety Twat headed back. MucArse and Karsanogenic were dithering, Skunky McCavern headed out in true Guam style in the general direction of down. Bugger Mee’s claim to a poor sense of direction was well founded as she has no recollection of the route (which she had walked 3 times previously, the last together with Skunky McCavern).

Scene 5 – Reunification: Everyone excepting Skunky McCavern is now on the return trip – back from whence they came. A few cows scattered around along the road, a couple of trucks and extras on motor cycles heading out for a night on the town. 

Scene 5 -Beer o’clock:  The runners have formed a reception committee across the road. Team Africa (Clits, Black Label and Tweety Twat) strode in, Adrian de Turd and wife followed, with Karsanogenic, MucArse and Hash Kash close on their heels. All before dark it must be noted.

Scene 6 Finale; Skunky McCavern and Black Label  provided a “breakdance cabaret” and much beer was quaffed.

It’s a wrap and a happy group heads off to Kuah for Chinese at the lively YL street restaurant.

On On 


Tweety Twat




TartanTart Moderator

Hash No 656  Langkawi Hash House Harriers


A somewhat depleted mob, but nonetheless intimate, assembled, other end of the island this time, at Kisap for a run organised by Johnny Walker and Black Label.

The effervescent GM, Karsanogenic, fabricated World Orgasm day (although he swore blind his research had shown this to be) to start things off with a bang. Note we all know certain activities can make you go blind.

 Added to which he came up with it being the day of the world’s ugliest dog. Hash Kash (Hash dog) slunk off at this point!

Without much more ado the hares were called into the centre and Black Label declared it was indeed International World Yoga day, and what better way to celebrate than to turn a bunch of Hashers into pretzels under the pretence of a warm up.

Warm up complete, Johnny Walker with much gesticulation gave a brief description of the route noting there were three checks.

The route through a rubber plantation, and along the mangroves was well suited to the warm languorous early evening. The midway point afforded a stunning view of the river confluence and a limestone bluff. Those on the return from this point encouragingly described it to keep those still heading out on track. 

The return route offered up many interesting views of fishing boats high and sort of dry on the mud flats of the mangroves. The comings and goings of the fleet obviously very dependant on the tides.

The pack was by now stretched out –several runners probably back and carousing while those of us enjoying the scenery took in a herd of cows munching happily among the rubber trees. Said cows later took an interest in Hash Kash and reportedly followed her up the road.

The GM was quick to call the circle, sadly no virgins and only one “executionable” returnee – Thomas The Wank Engine. Lin bin Defuzzed waved her medical certificate, so was exempted!

Prick Van Dyke brought a devilish grin to the role of executioner embracing the role to such an extent that he had to be restrained from emptying the entire ice water bin over defaulters. Undeterred he grabbed two jugs and delivered a double whammy when called upon.

It being a small group the GM dug deep and drew our attention to the auspicious date June 21 the summer solstice (longest day in N hemisphere) an event celebrated by the druids whose ritual included children forming a circle by scattering petals or blowing bubbles. Blessings by a fire eater and someone sprinkling participants with water from the Chalice Well followed. Apparently all very joyful and informal.

This was given a Hash twist by inviting the Celts; TartanTart, Tweety Twat and MucArse into the centre. Seeing as it coincided with full moon, thoughts of naked dancing crossed their minds. However; the sprinkling of icy water and ice cubes (could have been a blessing in disguise for those in the middle) by the executioner banished this thought.

Then it was the turn of Rock Cock and Tweety Twat (in for a second round) for not wearing hash rags. Rock Cock in a glitzy Langkawi singlet , and Tweety Twat in camo green.

Next up was a gleeful snitch, the Tartan Tart, dobbing in her running companions for taking short cuts. This saw Rock Cock again, Prick Van Dyke and Johnny Walker in the middle. Coming From Behind took up the jugs and doused the dastardly dudes.

The GM took a dousing for having what looked like skid marks on his towel indicating he may have skived off track to do the unmentionable in the rubber plantation – not fine English manners on a Hash.

Rock Cock and Prick Van Dyke noted for the records that on arrival at base the beers were under lock and key in the car. Tartan Tart seconded this as it had been noted in the past. Into the centre went Johnny Walker and Black Label.

It was all over bar the shouting when Tartan Tart stepped up to the mark again and declared Johnny Walker to be renamed Johnny Stalker for hanging around the mangroves near the viewpoint. He of course denied the charge saying he was only ensuring everyone was on the right track.

As the sun went down and the sky turned pink happy Hashers adjourned to the Langkawi Rainbow restaurant for a Chinese dinner, where festivities at the round table continued in line with those of the summer solstice. On, on! 

Thanks to Johnny Walker and Black Label for a hash well run.

Thanks to Google for info on Druids celebrating the summer solstice.


On on


Tweety Twat




TartanTart Moderator

Hash No 653 - Down by the river   compliments of “The Clits”

Location: Somewhere near the “pink Bridge” and park called Taman Sungai in the vicinity of Kuala Teriang.

It was a balmy evening following an afternoon of torrential rain – not good for the hares laying flour spots! We gathered shortly after 5pm in what looked like a car park with an interesting array of vintage cars plus orange cat to one side, and a meeting area peppered with squishy cow pats. The provider of which was standing nearby on a patch of grass quietly manufacturing more.

The turn out was good, visitors and virgins from afar, in fact plenty for the GM to get stuck into. In the opening circle an unsuspecting visitor was found to have new pink shoes from which she drank the first libation. “The Clits”, newbie hares were given some back up by Hand Job (route) and Rock Cock (transportation of gear). After a rambling dissertation by Clit Eastwood with the Bearded Clit looking on anxiously, we were off.

All went well along the river – the runners were off, and soon streaking ahead but not without some serious competition from visiting hashers. Those of us bringing up the rear were in fact able to absorb the surroundings, paddy fields and a couple of small groups of cows with calves which had the potential to provide a hash hazard. Fortunately, they left us to our sweaty pursuits.

The runners on this pastoral route logged up 6 kilometres, walkers 5 all very flat but not without frequent mud traps and lapses in flour spots. Clit Eastwood later assured us this was because the route was straight and therefore needed no marking until the turn. Bearded Clit was clearly mortified by this and did not take the excuse of conserving flour lightly.

After a kilometre or two of river frontage - a quiet kampong with most of the inhabitants probably at the busy Matsirat Ramadan market, which some of us, #Tweety Twat and Black Label went through by default appropriately laying the blame on the hares quest for flour conservation.

After a good hour on the road, the last of the hashers ambled back to base and the much-awaited circle. The visitors were all on form and clearly looking to wet their whistles. The Tartan Tart did a sterling job in dispensing ice water down the back of shirts, while Bearded Clit served up tankards of beer with relish.

Two virgins stepped eagerly forward, before the GM (Small Ball Cock) came to the realisation that there was no scribe. #Tweety Twat said “Oh” (apparently Chinese for yes) and the deed was done. Newbie #Tweety Twat was getting advice from MucArse when the GM brought her to book for nattering.  TT was sent to the chilly chair which she sunk into happily with MucArse mumbling some poor excuse about explaining the ropes.

Censure in the circle continued. The visitors from Petaling proved a jolly bunch and well up for any punishment on offer. Jaime came under the whip for running too fast and emasculating the male runners by pipping Rock Cock at the post. Rock Cock didn’t have a leg to stand on and was called to boot for not keeping his end up on behalf of the male species. In short there were no winners!

Two body pumped visitors were hauled over the coals for smoking within the inner sanctum with one incurring further punishment for indecent exposure. They clearly didn’t mind.

Further offences by visitors included cadging a bike ride back to base, and watering a plant en-route; indeed a heinous offence worthy of punishment .

But then it was the turn of Small Ball Cock to come under fire – no Hash rags! The ceremonial down, down was served. Down, it went but not fast enough to avoid the jug of ice delivered by Tartan Tart now in fine form. Somehow Johnny Walker managed to organise an offence and was soon happily enjoying the punishment – sadist !

In fact the more violations there were, the jollier it became, until time was called and the throng adjourned to the Shark Cage for a delicious dinner with French Fries to die for.

Thanks to the co-ordinators Bearded Clit and Clit Eastwood.


On On 


#Tweety Twat.