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TartanTart Moderator

Hash no 655 (June 7) – Langkawi Beach HHH

18 stalwarts pitched at the cow pat infested meeting place, near the abandoned but colourful disembodied building next to the notorious pink bridge. Hash Kash was resplendent in a new neon green harness which made her look a bit like a guide/rescue dog (probably for good reason).

Small Ball Cock called the unruly bunch to assemble in a circle. #Tweety Twat was sadly remonstrated for having new shoes, which she fiercely denied (they were indeed her “best” casuals) but her pleas fell upon deaf ears. A shoe was filled with beer, of which one half went down her throat. Had it been at the end of the run, it would all have disappeared !

Then it was the turn of the hares, Bearded Clit and Clit Eastwood, known to all as team Clit.

Now they managed to pull a cunning stunt on the crew by combining their self acclaimed “National Prostate Day” with a worthy cause (picking up trash). For the sake of health and hygiene rubber gloves were distributed - after all you wouldn’t want to perform a digital, or pick up someone else’s trash without a protective barrier. A few good-natured demos of what to do with the gloved finger followed before the black bags were handed out.

Runners went off to the paddy fields, where they passed a large but peaceful herd of water buffaloes. The walkers took to the bridge and went down by the riverside to the jetty, where both they and the runners had to go to the end before embarking on the task of rubbish collection at two of the beaches off the jetty

Skunky McCavern seeing the filled bags of Rock Cock and #Tweety Twat said “Hey, anything left for me ?” which will go down as the understatement of the year. One opportunist on his way back from fishing managed to get his plastic bag of rubbish transferred to a hasher who then carried it out. The pile of black bags deposited at the jetty gate for later collection was laudable.

Back in cow pat heaven, everyone waited for Small Ball Cock not only to return, but to reunite walkers and runners in the circle. When all had assembled they were asked to comment on the hash. The answer in virtual unison was “rubbish”, although the underlying motive behind the walk and its generally scenic route was appreciated.

Karsanogenic leapt forward to take up the role of executioner and the first offenders were called into the centre. They were the latecomers and returners, who zealously downed their beer. Then it was MucArse in the centre for namedropping!

Seeing that she and the executioner were closely acquainted there was a chance this could put a spoke in the wheel for the rest of the evening. Despite dancing a pretty dance around Karsanogenic, there was no sparing her from the executioner’s icy jug.

Then it was the chance of the evening’s snitch bitch, who came up with something from the far side. Small Ball Cock was called to the centre and punished for driving without rear number plate.

Skunky McCavern, a hasher from Guam, was asked to step into the centre, which he willingly did, baring his bronzed torso, to be found guilty of indecent exposure, and bringing a distinct pornographic feel to the circle. He accepted the punishment and was spared further embarrassment thanks to Johnny Walker having a spare Hash rag available.

But not for long - Hashers wanted an explanation for his Hash name. It had come about as a result of him delivering a blast of flatulence when leading a group of hashers through a narrow 100m tunnel in Guam, so if you are behind Skunky – be warned!

Bringing a positive light to bear on the proceedings Small Ball Cock called Prick van Dyke and his missus, Coming From Behind into the circle for successfully achieving 31 years of marriage, which he described as a great achievement when many could hardly maintain concentration for 31 minutes. The happy pair obligingly kissed for Hash Flash to record for posterity.

On that happy note members reconvened at The Roof restaurant for a Chinese dinner. 


Hash scribe

#Tweety Twat


TartanTart Moderator

Hash No 653 - Down by the river   compliments of “The Clits”

Location: Somewhere near the “pink Bridge” and park called Taman Sungai in the vicinity of Kuala Teriang.

It was a balmy evening following an afternoon of torrential rain – not good for the hares laying flour spots! We gathered shortly after 5pm in what looked like a car park with an interesting array of vintage cars plus orange cat to one side, and a meeting area peppered with squishy cow pats. The provider of which was standing nearby on a patch of grass quietly manufacturing more.

The turn out was good, visitors and virgins from afar, in fact plenty for the GM to get stuck into. In the opening circle an unsuspecting visitor was found to have new pink shoes from which she drank the first libation. “The Clits”, newbie hares were given some back up by Hand Job (route) and Rock Cock (transportation of gear). After a rambling dissertation by Clit Eastwood with the Bearded Clit looking on anxiously, we were off.

All went well along the river – the runners were off, and soon streaking ahead but not without some serious competition from visiting hashers. Those of us bringing up the rear were in fact able to absorb the surroundings, paddy fields and a couple of small groups of cows with calves which had the potential to provide a hash hazard. Fortunately, they left us to our sweaty pursuits.

The runners on this pastoral route logged up 6 kilometres, walkers 5 all very flat but not without frequent mud traps and lapses in flour spots. Clit Eastwood later assured us this was because the route was straight and therefore needed no marking until the turn. Bearded Clit was clearly mortified by this and did not take the excuse of conserving flour lightly.

After a kilometre or two of river frontage - a quiet kampong with most of the inhabitants probably at the busy Matsirat Ramadan market, which some of us, #Tweety Twat and Black Label went through by default appropriately laying the blame on the hares quest for flour conservation.

After a good hour on the road, the last of the hashers ambled back to base and the much-awaited circle. The visitors were all on form and clearly looking to wet their whistles. The Tartan Tart did a sterling job in dispensing ice water down the back of shirts, while Bearded Clit served up tankards of beer with relish.

Two virgins stepped eagerly forward, before the GM (Small Ball Cock) came to the realisation that there was no scribe. #Tweety Twat said “Oh” (apparently Chinese for yes) and the deed was done. Newbie #Tweety Twat was getting advice from MucArse when the GM brought her to book for nattering.  TT was sent to the chilly chair which she sunk into happily with MucArse mumbling some poor excuse about explaining the ropes.

Censure in the circle continued. The visitors from Petaling proved a jolly bunch and well up for any punishment on offer. Jaime came under the whip for running too fast and emasculating the male runners by pipping Rock Cock at the post. Rock Cock didn’t have a leg to stand on and was called to boot for not keeping his end up on behalf of the male species. In short there were no winners!

Two body pumped visitors were hauled over the coals for smoking within the inner sanctum with one incurring further punishment for indecent exposure. They clearly didn’t mind.

Further offences by visitors included cadging a bike ride back to base, and watering a plant en-route; indeed a heinous offence worthy of punishment .

But then it was the turn of Small Ball Cock to come under fire – no Hash rags! The ceremonial down, down was served. Down, it went but not fast enough to avoid the jug of ice delivered by Tartan Tart now in fine form. Somehow Johnny Walker managed to organise an offence and was soon happily enjoying the punishment – sadist !

In fact the more violations there were, the jollier it became, until time was called and the throng adjourned to the Shark Cage for a delicious dinner with French Fries to die for.

Thanks to the co-ordinators Bearded Clit and Clit Eastwood.


On On 


#Tweety Twat.