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TartanTart Moderator

The Hash was convened by the lake at the foot of Bukit Hantu with uphill climbs threatening the eager hashers. The enthusiastic hares for the run were Bugger Mee and Sodomiser, so guaranteed no leeches on this run; and GM, dutifully obliging with his customary collection of accusations, crimes and punishments, and pre-ordained victims, was Small Ball Cock. 

At last, GM could no longer deny his multi-coloured New Shoes, and obligingly downed his cocktail of sweaty foot and Tiger with skill, speed and no spills. Note that there are rules for GM and rules for others – Why does GM get Tiger to make the New Shoe cocktail, whilst mere mortals get Skol?!

Runners, walkers, and amblers were duly despatched onto a route up the mighty Bukit Hantu. The run proceeded without mishap for most, but only King Penguin achieved the summit to enjoy the spectacular views of the paddies, a notable achievement since it was not even on the marked trail. Notwithstanding the extra excursion  KP still came in with the leaders closely behind the first home, Johnny Walker. The walkers, well most of them, had the same route and struggled on up the bukit, down the bukit, and back over the bukit, without too much audible pain or protest. 

Adrian de Turd nobly provided support at the tail end and dropped back to coax Bearded Clit through her dread and hatred of hills. The strain of sustaining the uphill climb, or maybe the chat, caused them to become hopelessly lost on the tracks of the jungle climb. A worried air was felt down at the circle as the light faded, and preliminary search by car back up the road revealed no imminent arrival back at the circle. But there was plenty of Tiger to drink, and “down downs” to down, so the circle was called to allay the anxieties. (Bigapist had however made mobile phone contact with Adrian de Turd and confirmed that they were safe and on their way back.)

GM slotted straight back in, but tripped up straightaway into name dropping which was immediately picked up by Tartan Tart. Sadly no executioner had been appointed at the time, and thus GM stayed dry, enjoying his Skol at leisure. 

A debut Executioner, Skunky Macavity, was appointed. (Worth noting here, that Skunky arrived in a hash shirt for the first time! – He’d received it free while recently visiting a Borneo Hash – That figures). It turned out that Skunky was an entertaining, but inept executioner. Time after time he failed to wet anyone by following the Executioner rules to the letter, and on one occasion had five potential victims but got hopelessly confused and executed himself with both buckets instead. But he got the hang of it in the end.

No, visitors, no virgins, but several returners and deserters, provided the routine business of the circle. 

Three co-conspirators, French Tart, Karsanogenic, and MucArse, were identified and charged with taking an intentional wrong turn which led to a much reduced excursion around the lake, avoiding all the hill challenges, and getting back early for the beers. Admitting guilt, and plea-bargaining gained light sentences without being seated in the dreaded Chilly Chairs.

Tartan Tart as usual was wearing the wrong underwear and paid the due penalty.

Bugger Mee, even though she was hare in chief, managed to place herself in the Chilly Chair for her usual talkative and argumentative back chat.

Finally, two figures shuffled out of the darkness, back from the trails to join the circle. Bearded Clit looking fresh, but Adrian de Turd was caked in mud after sinking into a mire of orange bog. They were welcomed home with much mirth and, nay, a small hint of sympathy. Congratulations to both on returning in good humour.

As usual, several other hashers ended up in the circle to receive drenchings and down downs, or icy arses for any or no good reason at all.

The award of Hash Hero went to Bearded Clit for bringing Adi de Turd back safely. The turd went to Adi de Turd – I think, because he looked like one, covered in shite as he was. They may not know of these prestigious awards, but to resolve the normal chaos of Hash business, this record stands.

In darkness, Music Meister led the circle in the Hash Hymn, complete with actions, though nobody would know as we couldn’t see him.

Bugger Mee and Sodomiser provided 5 star dining at 1 star price as usual at My Chef bringing yet another great Hash to a close.

Scribed by Karsanogenic.

TartanTart Moderator

Langkawi Hash House Harriers - Hash no 657

It being the time of year when Hashers are visiting the far-flung realms, this meet was deemed a Hash bash and falling on July 5 the theme was all American.

The meeting point was far away in an area of lush green, rolling hills and meadows. A somewhat hazy sky softened the sun as it started sinking behind the hills. It was hot and the air hung heavy.

Our bunch; MucArse, TweetyTwat, Karsanogenic and Rock Cock were the first to arrive on location. The car of organisers Bugger Mee and Sodomiser was pulled off the road with an American (well sort of) flag sticking out from the window. It hung limply - there was no wind. It looked a bit like a movie set from Breaking Bad. Skunky McCavern arrived soon thereafter on his trusty motorbike.

Tartan Tart arrived with 6 minutes to spare, with Bearded Clit and Clit Eastwood. The tension was mounting: would anyone else arrive? At two minutes to six Adrian de Turd and Bigapist rolled in in a cloud of dust caused by an attempted handbrake turn. By now a call had come from Johnny Walker and Black Label that they would not be making curtain call as the ferry with Penangites Speed Hound, Fruit and Period was late. They finally arrived rolling up off the track in an even bigger cloud of dust – you’d swear these guys had never seen dirt!

Black Label had gone the whole hog and dressed up as a footballer cum rapper. Bugger Mee had a small version of the American flag on her shirt. After finally getting the pic of the cast we set off. Of course no markers, just a vague idea of in which direction to start. At which point Bugger Mee admitted to a poor sense of direction. As we set off a motorcyclist and his woman, the latter dressed in a black burka, meandered past both looking somewhat disparagingly at the American Flag.

Scene 1 - The Departure: Lights, Action and Camera: The cast of runners  comprising  Johnny Walker, the Penang crew, Rock Cock, Tartan Tart and Sodomiser were away. Then those who drink in the scenery followed accompanied by Hash Kash (hash dog), who had a field day herding cows!

Scene 2 - The Hill: Leading group seen tackling hill in the distance by those enjoying the pastoral scenes despite occasional motorbikes coming through. Lead group tracks up hill and traverses in front of electricity pylons (out of sight of others).

Scene 3 - Banana pit stop: Those at the rear are seen tackling hill, fording a stream and finally at the summit, where Black Label finds mini ripe bananas on a fallen tree. Up here in the hills these could have been organic bananas bringing a new meaning to “unzip a banana” - they were pretty good.

At this point dissention arose in the group as there was no clear way forward. Pylons were in the picture, a track down led to a house. Some were already heading back on the same track.

Scene 4 - The Split: Black Label, Bearded Clit, Clit Eastwood and Tweety Twat headed back. MucArse and Karsanogenic were dithering, Skunky McCavern headed out in true Guam style in the general direction of down. Bugger Mee’s claim to a poor sense of direction was well founded as she has no recollection of the route (which she had walked 3 times previously, the last together with Skunky McCavern).

Scene 5 – Reunification: Everyone excepting Skunky McCavern is now on the return trip – back from whence they came. A few cows scattered around along the road, a couple of trucks and extras on motor cycles heading out for a night on the town. 

Scene 5 -Beer o’clock:  The runners have formed a reception committee across the road. Team Africa (Clits, Black Label and Tweety Twat) strode in, Adrian de Turd and wife followed, with Karsanogenic, MucArse and Hash Kash close on their heels. All before dark it must be noted.

Scene 6 Finale; Skunky McCavern and Black Label  provided a “breakdance cabaret” and much beer was quaffed.

It’s a wrap and a happy group heads off to Kuah for Chinese at the lively YL street restaurant.

On On 

Tweety Twat

TartanTart Moderator

Hash Trash run no 648   01 March 2019 

Hares Bugger Mee and Sodomiser

A good turn out of 23 aspiring champion athletes and champion drinkers assembled at a new and interesting venue behind the new and impressive Thean How Chinese Temple in Kuah. Easy to find, easy to park, plenty of space; so far ticks all the boxes. But maybe a trick, as those who took the long route certainly earned their drinks, more later.

Circle formed on time. No new shoes. The hares pre-run brief was just that, brief. “Go up the hill over there, 6k’s, a shortened route for the walkers, go”

And so it started. This location just had to be hilly. The trail was very well marked and some  spectacular new views over Kuah soon appeared. After about 1k Sodomiser appeared at a turning point and helpfully offered the old, the lame and the lazy an easy route back. The aspiring athletes of course took the long route challenge and as a result arrived back at the site much later and much exhausted. We cissies in contrast had a pleasant stroll back despite the attention of some loud and alarmingly over curious dogs and were soon able to enjoy our cold tigers in peace while appreciating the calm serenity of the temple view.

Eventually the hard men and harder women of the hash staggered back with Karsanogenic limping bravely in. Well done that man!

After suitable refreshments the circle formed again and was rigidly kept in order by Arse who generously ensured that no one miss out on the cold water treatment by hosting the Hash Oscars with numerous awards. She was ably assisted by the very cruel and enthusiastic executioner Maid In China. Awards were given for best director, best hash music, best picture, best hash tart, and group awards for running about, leading the pack, running at speed and front running bastards. Such hidden talents within our motley crew. Also those deemed to be inappropriately dressed by the wearing of non hash approved hats were made to pay the penalty.

Our esteemed choirmaster and song and dance director King Penguin introduced another cultural masterpiece to the hash repertoire. Still in connection with swinging low, but this time with the crown jewels or balls to the non native English speakers. His descriptive dance contortions showed some of the amazing things that can be done with these anatomical adornments. Now we know how he spends his time keeping fit!

Finally the hares directed us to a new venue restaurant in Nagoya, the Seven Nine Eight Restaurant. The ambience was just right for the weary hashers and the food was a delicious Eastern / Western fusion which all thoroughly enjoyed. Our compliments to the chef.  Also to the hares for organising a great walk / run and a great time.