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TartanTart Moderator

Hash No 656  Langkawi Hash House Harriers


A somewhat depleted mob, but nonetheless intimate, assembled, other end of the island this time, at Kisap for a run organised by Johnny Walker and Black Label.

The effervescent GM, Karsanogenic, fabricated World Orgasm day (although he swore blind his research had shown this to be) to start things off with a bang. Note we all know certain activities can make you go blind.

 Added to which he came up with it being the day of the world’s ugliest dog. Hash Kash (Hash dog) slunk off at this point!

Without much more ado the hares were called into the centre and Black Label declared it was indeed International World Yoga day, and what better way to celebrate than to turn a bunch of Hashers into pretzels under the pretence of a warm up.

Warm up complete, Johnny Walker with much gesticulation gave a brief description of the route noting there were three checks.

The route through a rubber plantation, and along the mangroves was well suited to the warm languorous early evening. The midway point afforded a stunning view of the river confluence and a limestone bluff. Those on the return from this point encouragingly described it to keep those still heading out on track. 

The return route offered up many interesting views of fishing boats high and sort of dry on the mud flats of the mangroves. The comings and goings of the fleet obviously very dependant on the tides.

The pack was by now stretched out –several runners probably back and carousing while those of us enjoying the scenery took in a herd of cows munching happily among the rubber trees. Said cows later took an interest in Hash Kash and reportedly followed her up the road.

The GM was quick to call the circle, sadly no virgins and only one “executionable” returnee – Thomas The Wank Engine. Lin bin Defuzzed waved her medical certificate, so was exempted!

Prick Van Dyke brought a devilish grin to the role of executioner embracing the role to such an extent that he had to be restrained from emptying the entire ice water bin over defaulters. Undeterred he grabbed two jugs and delivered a double whammy when called upon.

It being a small group the GM dug deep and drew our attention to the auspicious date June 21 the summer solstice (longest day in N hemisphere) an event celebrated by the druids whose ritual included children forming a circle by scattering petals or blowing bubbles. Blessings by a fire eater and someone sprinkling participants with water from the Chalice Well followed. Apparently all very joyful and informal.

This was given a Hash twist by inviting the Celts; TartanTart, Tweety Twat and MucArse into the centre. Seeing as it coincided with full moon, thoughts of naked dancing crossed their minds. However; the sprinkling of icy water and ice cubes (could have been a blessing in disguise for those in the middle) by the executioner banished this thought.

Then it was the turn of Rock Cock and Tweety Twat (in for a second round) for not wearing hash rags. Rock Cock in a glitzy Langkawi singlet , and Tweety Twat in camo green.

Next up was a gleeful snitch, the Tartan Tart, dobbing in her running companions for taking short cuts. This saw Rock Cock again, Prick Van Dyke and Johnny Walker in the middle. Coming From Behind took up the jugs and doused the dastardly dudes.

The GM took a dousing for having what looked like skid marks on his towel indicating he may have skived off track to do the unmentionable in the rubber plantation – not fine English manners on a Hash.

Rock Cock and Prick Van Dyke noted for the records that on arrival at base the beers were under lock and key in the car. Tartan Tart seconded this as it had been noted in the past. Into the centre went Johnny Walker and Black Label.

It was all over bar the shouting when Tartan Tart stepped up to the mark again and declared Johnny Walker to be renamed Johnny Stalker for hanging around the mangroves near the viewpoint. He of course denied the charge saying he was only ensuring everyone was on the right track.

As the sun went down and the sky turned pink happy Hashers adjourned to the Langkawi Rainbow restaurant for a Chinese dinner, where festivities at the round table continued in line with those of the summer solstice. On, on! 

Thanks to Johnny Walker and Black Label for a hash well run.

Thanks to Google for info on Druids celebrating the summer solstice.


On on


Tweety Twat




TartanTart Moderator

IRISH HASH RUN 652


GM – Johnny Walker

Hare – Small Ball Cock assisted by Hand Job.

Everyone arrived to an awning billowing in the breeze and a few camping chairs scattered under the trees. Alas the awning that took close on an hour to erect offered little if no shade and was not in the right area as the circle was formed on the opposite side of the road.  Hand Job decided it would be the last time he spent all his energy on putting up useless awnings unless he upgraded to a pop up one.  A group photo was taken by Bugger Mee with all the complying Hashers with their green outfits placed in the front. The shoes were inspected and no one was guilty of having new shoes but it was noted that someone’s still looked liked they had a very good warranty.

Small Ball Cock gave a very confusing description of the Hash route, which he tried to justify by saying he was trying to stick to the Irish theme.  After asking for clarity everyone just ended up more confused and decided to just set off and hope for the best. Well, after no more than 200m everyone had gone off in the wrong direction and Small Ball Cock was frantically calling everyone back. The walkers returned but unfortunately after bellowing after the runners (causing all the locals to rush out to see what all the commotion was about) they were long gone off along the wrong track. This ended up with them doing an extra loop before eventually joining the correct path. The Hare blamed the locals for trashing his arrow or the chickens must have eaten it.  The route was pleasant and thankfully a bit shorter than usual as the heat was sweltering up from the ground. The markings improved so much so that after the night’s rain and the next day’s sun I’m sure there are a few arrowed shaped loaves of bread to be found on the Island.

The circle was formed on top of a little hill so everyone could gaze at the sunset instead of being focused on the GM hoping not to get called for any future Hash duties. Tartan Tart was quick to offer to take the job of Executioner so that she could cool off by dousing herself with a big jug of ice water. A Virgin Hasher, Tarryn, born in South Africa and now a new Aussie, was welcomed to our Hash. The Returners were all very confused as to where they had been and stood mumbling and scratching their heads in true Irish Form before getting doused by the Executioner.

The green clothing which was a requirement for the Irish Hash was inspected and a few explanations were needed from some of the more imaginative Hashers.  Hand Job was awarded the title of the sexiest Hasher as he stood half naked with a green O’Heineken Box on his head as his green clothing contribution.  Our GM looked quite cute himself with a necklace of green balls as well as Sodomiser with his little green panties. MucArse had a lot of explaining to do regarding her green waders worn with Flip-flops. The GM was quite disappointed that he couldn’t find anyone with a green bra to inspect so turned his attention to naming and Christening two new Hashers; Geologist Piet and his wife Tweet. After some good dirty nominations, once again with Chilly Willy topping the list with his vulgar suggestions, #Tweety Twat and Rock Cock were the decided new names.

As it was now dark there was only time for one or two Irish jokes so those who had forgotten to bring one got off without any water dousing from the very enthusiastic Executioner. King Penguin closed the evening with a jolly Irish song and everyone headed off to Coco’s for some Irish stew or Fish. 

BC


TartanTart Moderator

The Kuah Hill Hikers division of the Langkawi Beach Hash offered an exemplary exhibition of their skill for Run 644 . The trail was up, up, up then down around the pond and up, up, up ending on a rather precipitous down. Many tried, Cod Piss failed and only two hashers succumbed to gravity. Luckily, there are no injuries and MucArse could go straight to swallowing beers without any ministrations. Luckily MucArse returned after Black Label as those who hustled through the hills in haste found themselves locked out of the liquid stores. Much moaning and cries of desperation were heard from afar.


Speaking of swallowing beers, a few were taken in punishment meted out by Acting Grand Master Johnny Walker. First, of course, the hares were awarded a free beer after many compliments about their run. All the while Executioner Karsanogenic lurked on the fringes while those who feared being called out for crimes quivered and shivered awaiting cold beer and ice water. There were no virgins, no visitors but returners Maid in China, Bugger Mee and Sodomiser were welcomed back.


 Hash Snitch Bitch then revealed herself in all her Tartan glory. First and most heinous of her charges was against Black Label for running off with the store keys leaving returning hashers unable to slake their thirst. Next appeared Sauerkraut who, after complaining about the failure to hand out hooters, promptly left without one. Finally, MucArse was done for visiting the hairdresser the morning of the Hash (who wouldn’t want to look their best for such an esteemed gathering?).


Johnny Walker then asked for nominations for Hash Hero. After some debate Maid in China and Cod Piss shared joint honours. What for you ask? Made in China for finishing a challenging run and Cod Piss for breathing.


Another beer was awarded for an imitation Coming From Behind and Johnny Walker and Black Label were recognised for laying two hash trails close together.


With the sun drawing close to the edge of the Kuah Hills a final vote was taken for the Hash Turd award. Adrian the Turd was the popular choice for his failure to appear at the run bearing the Turd and also for failing to submit the Hash Flash photos from the Xmas run. In his absence, Adrian the Turd lookalike, Johnny Walker, took the hit.


Afterward, the crowd slid into Kuah to the Malaysia Hotel for a buffet dinner enjoyed by some but not all. MucArse in particular was left with a bad taste in her mouth when her phone was discovered to have been snitched on site. The unhelpful management was noted for future reference.


On On


Arse


TartanTart Moderator

Some 20 or so pax and 2 pets turned up at the run site. And they were glowing with enthusiasm, the pets, that is. The GM, Small Ball Cock, was missing and replaced by Karsanogenic, who btw., made for a good stand in GM, despite downplaying it.

The Hares uttered their notes to the run, but I am sure, only the dogs understood it completely - and off we went. Along the mangrove, across the main road, up the canal we met one of the hares, acting as a signpost and making sure we understood the signage. 

Huffing n puffing, Prick v Dyck led the runners pack through the Kampong into the greenery on a single tarmac track towards home. Reaching the runsite, after apparently 5.5km, we surely appreciated a cold beer. In addition, the hares had prepared a magic potion to supress any criticism towards shortcomings of the run. And it worked - it was a great run indeed!

Finding volunteers for the bloody scribe (who the f@#$ reads this anyways) and the executioner (Sauerkraut) was a pain in the neck, both came forward very sluggishly. With the circle structure in place, the GM finally disclosed Prick v. Dyck as the Secret Snitch Bitch. 

Only one, but one substantial charge, was mumbled towards Black Label, Sauerkraut, Sore Bum and Muc Arse. It was for "widely" (or was it wildly?) spreading their legs. What on earth is wrong with that? Obviously dazzled by this very observation P v. D could not think of any other charge. The brains blood supply had flown somewhere else..........

No visitors, no virgins were registered but 6 returners were honoured to find their way back to the Hash. Probably nothing better to do, hey!?

Hand Job, who eagerly came forward to be Beermeister, but claimed he has no clue what to do and what it involves. What a true Hasher! 

He even acted as executioners’ substitute once. And as Hand Job was doing it, the time was obviously too short for him to come, and splash the liquid onto the charged. He held it back - what a gentleman!

Mafioso Mongrel and Cod Piss became Hash Heroes as they managed the full walk in a stride. Although, it needs mention, that Cod Piss, who came in first, had the great advantage of being walked pulled and dragged by the dog – The Dog’s Bollocks - who was one of the few understanding the instructions.

Hash shit was accepted by MucArse on behalf of Hash Cash, who is apparently completely oblivious what "Cash -> back" means. Finally she received the Shit for something which escaped me, but it must have been of tremendous importance - for sure!

The Hash Hymn concluded the circle and The Dog’s Bollocks eagerly animated the pack to join in before leaving for makanan.

Scarborough was the entrusted watering hole and as usual the fish n chips were more than plentiful. Probably that is, due to the spreading disease: vegetarianism! A lot of poor fish sacrificed their lives for nothing, and were left behind. RIP! 

Another great Hash came to an end, thank you Hares - well done!


On On


Johnny Walker

Legal disclaimer: If you find anything that is incorrect, you can keep it!


TartanTart Moderator

Around 20 hashers,  3 visitors  and 2 hashdogs  met close to the India Temple north of Kuah.

Finally after waiting for the last comers and unfortunately no Larshole and Mettehari,  we started the hash 20 min late.

The circle was formed and the first hasher who was punished was Sodomiser, due to the ugly – many years used - white nylon stockings, which  covers his knees – I think he has got them free from a hooker    ,he said, he was wearing them - to cover his legs for mosquitoes and leeches. We will later be aware of this………… A beer was placed in his stockings and he had to drink out of the can.


Beside the road on a lush greeny place, we met. 


Black Label and Johnny Walker had made a nice  jungle run of app 6 km. – and it was really in the jungle - all the way. 3 hashers were wearing flippers and good luck to them 

The trails were very well marked with toilet paper.

On & on we fought our way through the jungle – very difficult to run due to narrow paths, we were just waiting to see Tarzan & Jane – flying in the lianas - around the next corner!!!


Animals, as the big red ants, obviously heard about our arrival, they crawled up and in our shoes. Leeches found their ways too - into our socks, and when we finally made our way out and met again in the circle, our legs were bleeding from all the drunken animals, which were drunk due to all the blood they had sucked from us!! 

Our new hasher Rod was named and got the name Hand Job.

One returner, Jack Off, was back, and King Penguin got the turd again due to his lack of ''on on'' and of course blamed his hashdog  which helped him running through the wilderness.

We had dinner at a Chinese restaurant Yee Har in Kuah. 

On & on

Hanneballs Letcher