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Flight 649 Flight report.


Flight Officers- Prick Van Dyke.

                        Coming From Behind.


Captain.          Golden Shower


Executioner-  not obvious on most flights; Teddy.


It was a day for flying, a fairly warm day, and began with a safety briefing by our new and novice captain (just to fill us all with confidence, and double the consumption of anchor).

Prick (for short) but actually was quite long, demonstrated the use of our safety equipment, as if we did not know, and said that due to the hot weather we may experience turbulence, so must wear our belts at all times during the flight. A totally unnecessary precaution.


Golden shower, our captain, then inspected our footwear, amongst other things, and declared us fit (unusual term for Hashers) for take off.

Whilst taxiing Prick described the route. He explained that the business class group, would fly in one direction, whilst the economy class and lazy group would – much to our relief- be flying, albeit, eating dust-  in the same direction.  The thought of the aircraft splitting after take off and going  two different ways was more than just a worry.


Then after much and mostly unnecessary conversation away we flew. Chilly Willy was still in the car changing his underwear. The Business class group, as usual made a quicker and more comfortable getaway and were well pampered by the fight crew.( say no more)

The vast majority of passengers, in cattle class, were left eating their dust.


Feeling fit, healthy, and fresh the business class group quickly landed, and were escorted to the lounge for free beer, whilst us walkers continued to drink water and search for any safety exits or long ropes.


Eventually, dusty and dry, we all made it to our destination, a sand pit in the middle of a desert, a bit like many destinations, and prepared for disembarkation.


The Captain, who was, like most of the group, a bit old. and forgetful of people’s names, required that  he  would blow his (smaller than most) whistle, they would then step forward, call out their names, and then answer  whatever ridiculous questions had come into his atrophied mind, but mostly it was of an intimate nature.


A flight black box was required, and Tartan Tart bravely volunteered yours truly for the job.


An executioner was also pressed into the role and another novice called Teddy, an Air France employee (take a chance with Air France)  valiantly stepped up for the role.


The returners, or frequent flyers, were then called in for a dousing, which was well administered too despite the need to explain the rules in some strange language which could best be described as a diseased larynx.

This was followed by a solemn renaming ceremony, and PMBC who being a lady refused to mention the full name because it was long and rude, was renamed with the full reverence we all expected, as Bearded Clit.  A more charming name.


Luckily for the visitors, they had all remained in the duty free lounge and were too alcoholically overcome to take part.


Another old Captain was then flown in and proudly showed us all his joystick, for which he made the excuse it was used for divining. Clearly by its state it had done a bit too much divining and luckily did not fall to pieces during the elaborate process. Eventually for his efforts he became flight latrine.


A very rare sighting amongst this rabble of passengers, a virgin (Yuin) was spotted, and despite having previously attending a bash, the overall opinion was bash it, flash it , or hash it, she was liable for a quick one, so  being a novice she got it.


We then all flew off to the departure lounge, a destination owned by a famous antipodean hostess who served us a delicious meal rounded off with some brownies.

 

MIC

17.03. 19

TartanTart Moderator

Hash Trash run no 648   01 March 2019 


Hares Bugger Mee and Sodomiser


A good turn out of 23 aspiring champion athletes and champion drinkers assembled at a new and interesting venue behind the new and impressive Thean How Chinese Temple in Kuah. Easy to find, easy to park, plenty of space; so far ticks all the boxes. But maybe a trick, as those who took the long route certainly earned their drinks, more later.


Circle formed on time. No new shoes. The hares pre-run brief was just that, brief. “Go up the hill over there, 6k’s, a shortened route for the walkers, go”


And so it started. This location just had to be hilly. The trail was very well marked and some  spectacular new views over Kuah soon appeared. After about 1k Sodomiser appeared at a turning point and helpfully offered the old, the lame and the lazy an easy route back. The aspiring athletes of course took the long route challenge and as a result arrived back at the site much later and much exhausted. We cissies in contrast had a pleasant stroll back despite the attention of some loud and alarmingly over curious dogs and were soon able to enjoy our cold tigers in peace while appreciating the calm serenity of the temple view.

Eventually the hard men and harder women of the hash staggered back with Karsanogenic limping bravely in. Well done that man!


After suitable refreshments the circle formed again and was rigidly kept in order by Arse who generously ensured that no one miss out on the cold water treatment by hosting the Hash Oscars with numerous awards. She was ably assisted by the very cruel and enthusiastic executioner Maid In China. Awards were given for best director, best hash music, best picture, best hash tart, and group awards for running about, leading the pack, running at speed and front running bastards. Such hidden talents within our motley crew. Also those deemed to be inappropriately dressed by the wearing of non hash approved hats were made to pay the penalty.


Our esteemed choirmaster and song and dance director King Penguin introduced another cultural masterpiece to the hash repertoire. Still in connection with swinging low, but this time with the crown jewels or balls to the non native English speakers. His descriptive dance contortions showed some of the amazing things that can be done with these anatomical adornments. Now we know how he spends his time keeping fit!


Finally the hares directed us to a new venue restaurant in Nagoya, the Seven Nine Eight Restaurant. The ambience was just right for the weary hashers and the food was a delicious Eastern / Western fusion which all thoroughly enjoyed. Our compliments to the chef.  Also to the hares for organising a great walk / run and a great time.


Floppy


TartanTart Moderator

Run 647.


Firstly, all Hashers would like to send condolences to Bugger Me, we were thinking of you and missed you both.


So == We had a quickly organised / cobbled together Mash Hash. Well done all involved!


Everyone did very well to find the meeting point at Karsanogenic’s hillside hide away, congratulations. 

Our six visitors were the first to arrive, Thomas and Teddy (sounds like a  50’s comedy duo) and Francoise (Thomas’s Mum),  from France, and Nein Knickers and Oliver Clothes Off, from Germany. 

Rotating GM was Karsanogenic, in a spin as usual, forgetting the New Shoe check for the second consecutive time. Stand in Hares / Leaders were King Penguin, nobly stepping up as usual, to lead the charge for the runners, and Tartan Tart volunteered a rest from running, to guide the walkers, scout-like, through the Jungle. 

Hurrah---- The Walkers ambled home first! (After early challenging inclines). Well done Hares. The much younger French chaps led the way in for the runners.

(Obviously after good Pace Making in the Paddies from KP and PvD, not to mention Coming from Behind - who did.)


Golden Shower did a sterling job as Executioner, liberally dousing himself, and all those summoned into the circle. The best of all dousings was on Floppy Rod who returned to us after a long absence, but still unable to  cut a long story short!!!! 


Thomas was christened, in the presence of his mother – Francoise knows a little more of her son than she perhaps needed to! He was almost called ‘Menage a Trois’ but no sufficiently detailed description was provided. Thomas was saved by un petit oiseau that shat on his shoulder during the proceedings --- and thus—He became known as “Little Shit”.


Big Alf  from Norway was next up for naming and there was no shortage of possibilities, but after revelation that he spent a lifetime in the Oil and Gas business in a “hands on” capacity, he was duly named “Oily Dick”. No satisfactory explanation of the “Dick” bit was given, but nevertheless it received rapturous endorsement.


Music Meister, bravely supported by Teddy (who shall be named at his next visit), sang, with no due respect, the Marseillaise, toilet paper version, followed by Hob Nob and KP’s rendition of our very own Hash Hymn.


And off we jolly well went, to Thien Seng, who did us proud if a little  ‘tardy’ due to their short notice explosion in  customer numbers!!


On On


MucArse (Ably assisted by Karsanogenic!!)


TartanTart Moderator
(Worum scho wieder mir?) - no translation in google ,,Swiss German'' 


OK Hash 646 started 1.6KM past the Gunung Raya turn off, near the far side of the CUCU CUCU RESORT.


The GM was Johnnie Walker - the organisers MucArse & Karsanogenic. Great run/walk in beautiful countryside with a cooling drink at half time 


Guest Amanda from Seattle.


Baptisms: Janet (from South Africa originally from GB as her husband mentioned) is now known as Phil Ma Bearded Clit. Phil her husband (pure South African) - Clit Eastwood, and Che Li (from Malaysia) - Chilly Willy.


All those who participated know how funny and beautiful it was. All those who did not participate missed something (Pach gha) incl.

,,s'Nachtasse'' im Scarborough.


Any Cock Will Do (Scheissname!)





TartanTart Moderator

Hash run 645 started from Temoyong on a side street of  costal road Bukit Malut. Organiser were Adrian de Turd and Bigapist. 18 member of the club and one not yet named (BECKY) appeared to start. All except the organisers, Adrian de Turd and Bigapist, started the run (some of them run, others walked at a brisk pace and the rest strolling through the beautiful countryside. 4 of them missed a turnoff on the main road and took the short cut along this main road. Nobody took notice of these offenders and therefore they could not be punished   (among others, the scribe  ). I am already afraid of  a terrible punishment on the occasion of the next run 646 . Thanks to the shortcutting bastards, everybody arrived on time.

Form a circle – but this command  had to be repeated for us older people at least three times until the circle was closed. Maid in China was named as an executioner, which he accepted with a sardonic grin! New shoes – no success (but, Any Cock Will Do“ had sandals instead of sneakers. But it is very difficult to drink beer out of sandals). She was left unpunished  Visitors and virgins we had this time none. But a ‘’baptism“ was due! BECKY got a new name and majority voted for ‘’FUZZY KNICKERS“  

Some returners had to be showered with ice cold water and because Any Cock Will Do emptied her glass half before she was allowed to drink, Tartantart helped the executer and poured a whole bucket of water from behind over her back. Hash heros on this day none, as well as no hash turd.

After these ceremonies King Penguin started the traditional song with the many contortions, and he also mentioned that on the 18th of January 1778 Captain James Cook discovered Hawaii and Robert Falcon Scott reached the South Pole 1911 only to find that Amundsen had preceded them by over a month (after an undeclared race to the south pole).

The evening was concluded in a cozy round with good food in the Cactus Restaurant, which was occupied to the last place. Thank you the organisers for a good hash evening.

Cock-a-doodle-don‘t


TartanTart Moderator

The Kuah Hill Hikers division of the Langkawi Beach Hash offered an exemplary exhibition of their skill for Run 644 . The trail was up, up, up then down around the pond and up, up, up ending on a rather precipitous down. Many tried, Cod Piss failed and only two hashers succumbed to gravity. Luckily, there are no injuries and MucArse could go straight to swallowing beers without any ministrations. Luckily MucArse returned after Black Label as those who hustled through the hills in haste found themselves locked out of the liquid stores. Much moaning and cries of desperation were heard from afar.


Speaking of swallowing beers, a few were taken in punishment meted out by Acting Grand Master Johnny Walker. First, of course, the hares were awarded a free beer after many compliments about their run. All the while Executioner Karsanogenic lurked on the fringes while those who feared being called out for crimes quivered and shivered awaiting cold beer and ice water. There were no virgins, no visitors but returners Maid in China, Bugger Mee and Sodomiser were welcomed back.


 Hash Snitch Bitch then revealed herself in all her Tartan glory. First and most heinous of her charges was against Black Label for running off with the store keys leaving returning hashers unable to slake their thirst. Next appeared Sauerkraut who, after complaining about the failure to hand out hooters, promptly left without one. Finally, MucArse was done for visiting the hairdresser the morning of the Hash (who wouldn’t want to look their best for such an esteemed gathering?).


Johnny Walker then asked for nominations for Hash Hero. After some debate Maid in China and Cod Piss shared joint honours. What for you ask? Made in China for finishing a challenging run and Cod Piss for breathing.


Another beer was awarded for an imitation Coming From Behind and Johnny Walker and Black Label were recognised for laying two hash trails close together.


With the sun drawing close to the edge of the Kuah Hills a final vote was taken for the Hash Turd award. Adrian the Turd was the popular choice for his failure to appear at the run bearing the Turd and also for failing to submit the Hash Flash photos from the Xmas run. In his absence, Adrian the Turd lookalike, Johnny Walker, took the hit.


Afterward, the crowd slid into Kuah to the Malaysia Hotel for a buffet dinner enjoyed by some but not all. MucArse in particular was left with a bad taste in her mouth when her phone was discovered to have been snitched on site. The unhelpful management was noted for future reference.


On On


Arse


TartanTart Moderator

Hash Run 643, the Christmas Special, congregated at Kampung Kubang Badak at a pleasant spot near the river. However the unsettling thing was a sign saying “Danger Crocodiles”, “No Camping” and “No Swimming”. The reptiles must have escaped from the nearby crocodile farm, and the ones which escape are always the wily ones. There’s nothing like the threat of being grabbed by the ankle and dragged into the river to keep Hashers on their toes.


The course wound six km or so around rubber plantations, along the main road a bit, through some nice shady patches and through the kampung, with a presence of magnificent mountains on both sides. Quite a bit of excrement on the ground. Bovine or croc? Didn’t wait to find out. Another motivation to stay on track was the collection of coloured stars, yellow for designated walkers and orange for runners.


Back at home base there was a welcoming Christmas Pimms. Only, where were Cod Piss and Mafioso Mongrel? Had they been too slow for a lurking crocodile? That would surely be a Hash historic first. But no, they had stumbled off course, followed the main road and were then rightfully accused of the heinous crime of taking a short cut.


More denouncement took place when Black Label was accused of using the hooter in a non-approved manner, namely between the bum cheeks.


Johnny Walker, probably a prison camp Kommandant in a previous life, kept everyone in line in a most efficient manner. One virgin was sacrificed, and one visitor ritually humiliated. Arse was rewarded for collecting the most stars, though there was an attempt by Small Ball Cock to substitute yellow vaguely star-shaped flowery objects.


It turns out that it was the Winter Solstice, not that you’d notice it much in the tropics, and there was a full(ish) moon. This called for baying at the moon, incorporated into a Christmas Carol. Other carols were chanted using improvised Hash lyrics.


The special Christmas meal was hosted at The Brasserie in The Laguna. An excellent couscous; who could have predicted that? Presents were also randomly exchanged. I’m sure I did better out of the deal. Isn’t that the aim?


Thanks to Tartan Tart and Sauerkraut for designing a memorable 643.


Hand Job

Unwilling Scribe=


TartanTart Moderator

Some 20 or so pax and 2 pets turned up at the run site. And they were glowing with enthusiasm, the pets, that is. The GM, Small Ball Cock, was missing and replaced by Karsanogenic, who btw., made for a good stand in GM, despite downplaying it.

The Hares uttered their notes to the run, but I am sure, only the dogs understood it completely - and off we went. Along the mangrove, across the main road, up the canal we met one of the hares, acting as a signpost and making sure we understood the signage. 

Huffing n puffing, Prick v Dyck led the runners pack through the Kampong into the greenery on a single tarmac track towards home. Reaching the runsite, after apparently 5.5km, we surely appreciated a cold beer. In addition, the hares had prepared a magic potion to supress any criticism towards shortcomings of the run. And it worked - it was a great run indeed!

Finding volunteers for the bloody scribe (who the f@#$ reads this anyways) and the executioner (Sauerkraut) was a pain in the neck, both came forward very sluggishly. With the circle structure in place, the GM finally disclosed Prick v. Dyck as the Secret Snitch Bitch. 

Only one, but one substantial charge, was mumbled towards Black Label, Sauerkraut, Sore Bum and Muc Arse. It was for "widely" (or was it wildly?) spreading their legs. What on earth is wrong with that? Obviously dazzled by this very observation P v. D could not think of any other charge. The brains blood supply had flown somewhere else..........

No visitors, no virgins were registered but 6 returners were honoured to find their way back to the Hash. Probably nothing better to do, hey!?

Hand Job, who eagerly came forward to be Beermeister, but claimed he has no clue what to do and what it involves. What a true Hasher! 

He even acted as executioners’ substitute once. And as Hand Job was doing it, the time was obviously too short for him to come, and splash the liquid onto the charged. He held it back - what a gentleman!

Mafioso Mongrel and Cod Piss became Hash Heroes as they managed the full walk in a stride. Although, it needs mention, that Cod Piss, who came in first, had the great advantage of being walked pulled and dragged by the dog – The Dog’s Bollocks - who was one of the few understanding the instructions.

Hash shit was accepted by MucArse on behalf of Hash Cash, who is apparently completely oblivious what "Cash -> back" means. Finally she received the Shit for something which escaped me, but it must have been of tremendous importance - for sure!

The Hash Hymn concluded the circle and The Dog’s Bollocks eagerly animated the pack to join in before leaving for makanan.

Scarborough was the entrusted watering hole and as usual the fish n chips were more than plentiful. Probably that is, due to the spreading disease: vegetarianism! A lot of poor fish sacrificed their lives for nothing, and were left behind. RIP! 

Another great Hash came to an end, thank you Hares - well done!


On On


Johnny Walker

Legal disclaimer: If you find anything that is incorrect, you can keep it!


TartanTart Moderator

Around 20 hashers,  3 visitors  and 2 hashdogs  met close to the India Temple north of Kuah.

Finally after waiting for the last comers and unfortunately no Larshole and Mettehari,  we started the hash 20 min late.

The circle was formed and the first hasher who was punished was Sodomiser, due to the ugly – many years used - white nylon stockings, which  covers his knees – I think he has got them free from a hooker    ,he said, he was wearing them - to cover his legs for mosquitoes and leeches. We will later be aware of this………… A beer was placed in his stockings and he had to drink out of the can.


Beside the road on a lush greeny place, we met. 


Black Label and Johnny Walker had made a nice  jungle run of app 6 km. – and it was really in the jungle - all the way. 3 hashers were wearing flippers and good luck to them 

The trails were very well marked with toilet paper.

On & on we fought our way through the jungle – very difficult to run due to narrow paths, we were just waiting to see Tarzan & Jane – flying in the lianas - around the next corner!!!


Animals, as the big red ants, obviously heard about our arrival, they crawled up and in our shoes. Leeches found their ways too - into our socks, and when we finally made our way out and met again in the circle, our legs were bleeding from all the drunken animals, which were drunk due to all the blood they had sucked from us!! 

Our new hasher Rod was named and got the name Hand Job.

One returner, Jack Off, was back, and King Penguin got the turd again due to his lack of ''on on'' and of course blamed his hashdog  which helped him running through the wilderness.

We had dinner at a Chinese restaurant Yee Har in Kuah. 

On & on

Hanneballs Letcher


TartanTart Moderator

Run 640 – Fish n Tits Scribe (sort of)


Welcomed by hares – Prick van Dyke & Coming From Behind with GM Small Ball Cock.


There were no new shoes so nobody had a soggy run or walk.

The route was delightful, very pretty but a sting in the tail! There were a lot more walkers than runners.


It got quite dark early, so a lot of the circle ‘performances’ were cut short; however, there was 1 virgin, and Seaman Stains – a grotty yachtie - was punished for not having a hash shirt. There were 3 visitors from all over the globe, and an attempt to punish SBC for not fulfilling an order for a hash towel, but he wriggled out of that - again! – we will get him one of these days!!


The snitches turned out to be Bugger Mee & Sodomiser who appeared to have HUGE imaginations. Consequently a few innocents were punished. Double Turds were awarded to Sodomiser & King Penguin for not relating info to Tartan Tart & Johnnie Walker about the run direction.


There was no hash hero, but it should have been Karsanogenic for coming straight to the hash from the ferry after driving all the way up from KL.


The hash hymn was delightfully performed by The Dog’s Bollocks, assisted by King Penguin. By then it was pretty dark.


We had a lovely meal at Coco’s in spite of a fair old storm. Strangely enough the last time PVD & CFB were hares and booked Coco’s we had a storm too. Funny!!!!


Next hash hares are Johnnie Walker and Black Label.


On on 


Fisn n Tits


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